This is me: my completely broken and screwed up self.
The title for this blog should be Broken Outcast or something equally true and depressing. Yet for some reason my parents gave me this name. Not that I am called Joyful Princess by my family or friends. Actually I am just called Sara Jo or Sara Joyce. Yet - that is what my name means: Princess of Joy. Sara is Hebrew for princess and Joyce is just another form of Joy. I am not one who necessarily thinks a name defines a person, but one of my most enduring life goals is to live up to my name.
I am neither joyful nor do I feel/act like a princess.
I have dealt with depression for over half of my lifetime - I remember it starting in junior high and progressing through high school. I thought I was over it on January 1, 2003, but I realized this screwed up life of mine would not let me be free for long. Today, almost exactly 6 years later I am still fighting daily for my life - literally.
I am mean, arrogant, selfish and stubborn. I am neither graceful nor gracious. I am not beautiful by anyone's standards except God's, and I treat people - even my own family and friends - like crap on a regular basis.
So, you can see I am not living up to my name in any way, shape, form, or fashion. I am a failure in this aspect of my 23 years of life. If life is what you can call it. I have been thinking lately that life is more like death and death is more like life. I can explain: being alive (breathing, seeing, hearing) is painful and is not worth doing. And death looks like a release from this pain.
But, yuck, this blog is getting depressing already... not what I wanted.
I wanted to start this blog so I can find healing and help from my messed-up-ness. I will be writing about different struggles in my life: past pains and present difficulties. My hope is that I can remind myself of what-all God has done to heal me so far and is doing now to continue healing me. Yes, I am angry at Him for the pain I have to deal with, and angry that He doesn't comfort me the way I think He should, and angry that He seems so distant when I need Him most. But the truth of His unfailing love and faithfulness remains in spite of me, so I look for answers and resolutions, grace and forgiveness. Joy and Worth.
Who knows, maybe entering into and dealing with my pain will somehow help others. But that would be more than I could hope for right now.
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Amen sister! Preach it. Sara, you are an inspiration to me. You amaze me even now, and I pray that God'll use you greatly. He uses our testimony, our mistakes and our past, to help others with the same problems. We are ordinary stars surrounding an extraordinary Savior. No matter who or what we are, we are beautiful in His sight. May you strive to live up to your name for you are a princess of the King. Love you.
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