Time Well Spent

I have never been good at keeping in touch with people. As a teenager I would go to camp or on missions trips, meet wonderful friends, and vow to keep in touch with them forever. A few years later, and I have no idea where they are or what is going on in their lives. Granted, Facebook keeps me updated, but it's not the same. I hate it actually. I will typically refrain from even have a conversation with anyone I know I won't see again or have a deeper relationship with.

I would rather sit alone than meet new people, especially here at school, right now... because in a few months I will be leaving and I would rather not start friendships now because I have a feeling deep in the pit of my stomach that by this fall I won't hear from them again.

Recently, I have not called some of my friends in a long time even though I know we need to hang out soon. They only live like 15-20 minutes away, but I can never seem to make time... well, I have time, but most of that down time is spent sleeping, doing homework, or just recharging by being alone. I hate this...

I wish life wasn't so chaotic. And I know it will only get worse as I leave college and enter the working world. I wish I could slow down and enjoy life more. I wish I just had less things to do. I downsized a lot this year from previous years, but I still feel so busy. And now my busyness is slowing tearing apart my relationships. Grrrr...

Lord help me realize that relationships are more important that classes and essays. Help me put my own comfort aside to spend time with those who need my presence and love.

Divine Purpose

Among my professors and peers here at school it is commonly referred to as "my call". We talk about what God is "calling" us to do with our lives, and it has become a kind of catch-all phrase that no one can question. Like, "I feel called to go teach in Africa" or "I am called to work in the inner-city."

For the most part, I don't question other people's "callings". I mean, who am I to say what God has spoken to someone else. But my own calling I question more and more often. Not because I do not want to do what I "feel called to do" but because in some ways it goes against my beliefs. Would God actually "call" me to do something that was wrong?

So, after I left Asbury College to go home for a semester I got this vision/dream to start a youth center in my home town. From there it grew into working with teenagers in that sort of setting in a bunch of different towns. The vision continues to grow and I even have a desire to work in a residential facility somewhere with struggling teens.

I tell people my "call" is to work with teenagers. I say this because I love being around teenagers and watching them interact, learn, struggle with life and faith issues. It touches my heart to talk with them about what is going on in their lives and how they want to know God better.

There are a lot of things I would like to do in my life such as start youth centers in small towns, work in a residential facility, work in a juvenile detention center, do prison ministry, etc. and I will say that I am "called" to do those things.

But... who decides if I am really called to do that? I mean, what if I am just going off on my own little tangent of things I like and want to do while God is standing off to the side saying, "hey, over here! I have something else I want you to do!" I am selfish and blind enough to completely miss His will, so how do I know I am headed in the right direction?

Others have seen a gift in me that I work well with teenagers. Ok. And I look at where I was when I got the vision to start a youth center. I had no desire to work with youth at that point, so the vision must have been from God; it was at least not from my own desire at that point.

I hope I am on the right path. I hope I am fulfilling God's divine purpose for my life. I don't want to do the wrong thing just because I enjoy doing it. That is not a good enough reason to pursue something.

I guess I wish someone could analyze my life and my vision to say to me whether or not I really am called to work with teenagers in those situations and places. We were talking about ordination in one of my classes last week. I still have no idea what ordination specifically is or why ministers should get ordained, but I wonder if it doesn't have something to do with others looking at our lives, our gifts/talents, and our "calling" and deciding if we are really where we should be and then confirm that to us when we are "ordained". I don't know... but I do think that would be nice - to have others confirm to me that I am exactly where I should be.

I trust God, but I don't really trust my ability to hear Him clearly, so I walk semi-blindly by faith; and that, if I am not headed in the right direction, God will make it absolutely clear to me that I need to change course. Until that may happen though, I will keep serving teenagers. That is where my passion and talents lie at the moment.

I am so glad God has a divine purpose for my life. I just hope I can follow it all the days of my life... only by the grace of God...