This past week at Shelterwood the staff and students worked on service projects all week. We went out into the Independence/Kansas City communities to volunteer in a variety of ways. We served in a homeless shelter serving meals, we put up drywall in a Habitat for Humanity house, and we sorted clothes at a thrift store, among other things.
Some of the littles (which meant some of the bigs went too) chose to go on a three day retreat at a campground a couple hours away this week. I was chosen to be one of the bigs who went, and it was a very relaxing time to spend with the girls. We went to a few group sessions and heard the speakers talk about various topics, then we had small group times where we discussed those topics. We also had prayer partner times where I got to pray with the little I was paired with for the retreat. I got to know her so much better because of that time together, and I am so thankful for the growth I am seeing in her life and how God is challenging her and comforting her amidst her struggles.
During our time there I also got some time to be alone and also to take a walk down the trail around the campground. It was so nice to just step back from the daily grind for a couple hours to think through some of the things God is doing in my life.
Satan also tried to cast doubt and lies into my life through a situation and conversation where I began to feel really stupid, inferior and not good enough. Thankfully, God would not let me accept that lie, and I was able to pray through what I was really feeling to realize that I am a child of God, and as long as I follow Him I am doing just fine. I used to struggle a lot with self-worth, but lately I have see just how much I find my worth in Christ and not my own talents/possessions. God also worked it out so that what the speaker talked about that night was about what we put our hope in. The speaker, Chris, said he used to put his hope and confidence in his intelligence (I do that too) but now he realizes that his intelligence will fail and our confidence needs to be in Christ because He is the only One who will never fail.
On Friday we were back on property and I worked with the group at the Habitat house. It was so much fun to work with everyone there putting up drywall. I miss the hard physical labor of working on a farm. Now, I have the weekend off and I am just chilling in Blue Springs, enjoying some time alone to rest and pray without distraction.
God is so good to provide. :)
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Refusing to Live in Fear
These past couple months I have been in a situation I find myself in all too often. I like a guy. Yep... sometimes I feel like I am in junior high again. Like, you know, when every week you like some new boy. Thank God I am not that bad, but it is really no surprise that I like some guy here at Doulos. There are a lot of amazing people here and I am blessed by them all.
The thing about me though, is that previously I would not tell anyone that I liked some guy. I would keep it all to myself and deal with it in silence. I would get all worked up and stressed out over it and would never tell anyone what I was dealing with.
Another thing I have always done when it comes to liking guys is that I avoid them. I try to put as much space between us as possible. I think a lot of that has to do with trying to protect myself from further anxiety. It may also be because I think guys need to pursue women in relationships, so by becoming more scarce and silent I was somehow making it easier for them to pursue me or more obvious that I wanted them to. I realize now just how dumb that was.
Of all my relationship dysfunctions and fears it is no wonder I haven't had a relationship (or even a date) since I was 16. I am pretty sure guys don't want girls who hide from them.
Oh to look at how screwed up I was, and in many ways still am, I have to laugh out loud. It is pretty ridiculous.
Anyway, bringing this whole thing back to the present: I have liked this guy here at Doulos for almost two months now and I have been agonizing over my feelings. For the longest time I just wanted them to go away so I could be free from the frustration they cause. Then I tried to just accept them and keep acting like nothing was different. I decided to tell some of the other girl bigs here (the jury is still out on whether or not that was a good idea) that I liked him, which was huge, but I also asked for them to keep me accountable. I wanted them to not let me act stupid when he was around or to talk about him too much or any of that jazz. Them knowing was good... until word got around to pretty much the entire staff that I liked this guy.
*Side note: it is frustrating and crazy that important items to be communicated get lost quickly and I feel out of the loop all the time regarding what is going on but juicy relationship tidbits like this fly from ear to ear without any breakdown. I hate it....
I was not okay with everyone knowing because the teasing and comments that come with that only serve to escalate my emotions more. So, on top of the stress here that is the norm I had to deal with this added anxiety. Then, to top it all off, the guy littles got wind of my attraction and began teasing me. After that I discovered that the guy knew I liked him too. That was the last straw.
So, after a lot of tears, prayer, and anxious wringing of my hands I decided to go talk to this guy in person. I wanted to clear the air and express my feelings from my own mouth rather than him hearing anything through the grapevine. I have lived in fear my whole life when it comes to conversations like that, but I knew I needed to tell him, otherwise our friendship would be strained and awkward even more.
Praise God the conversation went well. I was able to verbalize that I liked him and that I wanted us to be friends and not avoid one another or have things be awkward. He said he was glad I talked with him, and it was pretty much decided that right now is not the time to start a relationship. Both he and I are here to grow in our lives and faith, a relationship would only cause more problems than it would help. So, we are to remain friends. I am so relieved and thankful to God for that. As much as I would like a relationship, I want even more for us to just be able to get to know each other without expectations or weirdness getting in the way. We both know where the other stands, and we are both okay with not moving forward on any of these feelings.
Through this whole stressful ordeal I have already been stretched and taught a lot:
*I was able to overcome my fears in talking with him.
*I was able to express my emotions in a calm and appropriate way.
*I asked others for accountability and advice where I needed it.
*I spent a lot of time in prayer asking God to show me the next step to take.
*I respected his opinion and desires to avoid a relationship for now and I know that is the best for both of us.
*I figured out that by talking with others I am able to diffuse a lot of stress rather than allow it to continue growing and festering as I keep silent.
Thank God for this experience. I have no idea what the future holds, but I am okay with not knowing because I trust God and I know I am doing what He is asking me to do at this point. For the first time in a long time I feel free from relationship anxiety. :) Yay!
The thing about me though, is that previously I would not tell anyone that I liked some guy. I would keep it all to myself and deal with it in silence. I would get all worked up and stressed out over it and would never tell anyone what I was dealing with.
Another thing I have always done when it comes to liking guys is that I avoid them. I try to put as much space between us as possible. I think a lot of that has to do with trying to protect myself from further anxiety. It may also be because I think guys need to pursue women in relationships, so by becoming more scarce and silent I was somehow making it easier for them to pursue me or more obvious that I wanted them to. I realize now just how dumb that was.
Of all my relationship dysfunctions and fears it is no wonder I haven't had a relationship (or even a date) since I was 16. I am pretty sure guys don't want girls who hide from them.
Oh to look at how screwed up I was, and in many ways still am, I have to laugh out loud. It is pretty ridiculous.
Anyway, bringing this whole thing back to the present: I have liked this guy here at Doulos for almost two months now and I have been agonizing over my feelings. For the longest time I just wanted them to go away so I could be free from the frustration they cause. Then I tried to just accept them and keep acting like nothing was different. I decided to tell some of the other girl bigs here (the jury is still out on whether or not that was a good idea) that I liked him, which was huge, but I also asked for them to keep me accountable. I wanted them to not let me act stupid when he was around or to talk about him too much or any of that jazz. Them knowing was good... until word got around to pretty much the entire staff that I liked this guy.
*Side note: it is frustrating and crazy that important items to be communicated get lost quickly and I feel out of the loop all the time regarding what is going on but juicy relationship tidbits like this fly from ear to ear without any breakdown. I hate it....
I was not okay with everyone knowing because the teasing and comments that come with that only serve to escalate my emotions more. So, on top of the stress here that is the norm I had to deal with this added anxiety. Then, to top it all off, the guy littles got wind of my attraction and began teasing me. After that I discovered that the guy knew I liked him too. That was the last straw.
So, after a lot of tears, prayer, and anxious wringing of my hands I decided to go talk to this guy in person. I wanted to clear the air and express my feelings from my own mouth rather than him hearing anything through the grapevine. I have lived in fear my whole life when it comes to conversations like that, but I knew I needed to tell him, otherwise our friendship would be strained and awkward even more.
Praise God the conversation went well. I was able to verbalize that I liked him and that I wanted us to be friends and not avoid one another or have things be awkward. He said he was glad I talked with him, and it was pretty much decided that right now is not the time to start a relationship. Both he and I are here to grow in our lives and faith, a relationship would only cause more problems than it would help. So, we are to remain friends. I am so relieved and thankful to God for that. As much as I would like a relationship, I want even more for us to just be able to get to know each other without expectations or weirdness getting in the way. We both know where the other stands, and we are both okay with not moving forward on any of these feelings.
Through this whole stressful ordeal I have already been stretched and taught a lot:
*I was able to overcome my fears in talking with him.
*I was able to express my emotions in a calm and appropriate way.
*I asked others for accountability and advice where I needed it.
*I spent a lot of time in prayer asking God to show me the next step to take.
*I respected his opinion and desires to avoid a relationship for now and I know that is the best for both of us.
*I figured out that by talking with others I am able to diffuse a lot of stress rather than allow it to continue growing and festering as I keep silent.
Thank God for this experience. I have no idea what the future holds, but I am okay with not knowing because I trust God and I know I am doing what He is asking me to do at this point. For the first time in a long time I feel free from relationship anxiety. :) Yay!
Submission to Authority
"Let every soul be in subjection to the higher powers."
I have always thought of myself as pretty submissive and servant-hearted. And in a lot of ways I am. I love serving people and blessing them by doing nice things for them and encouraging them. The problem is, I am only a servant when it is on my terms. Through a couple conversations this week with some other bigs here I realized just how rebellious I am. I will do what people tell me to do, but I will complain about it and in my heart resent them for being that "oppressive authority" in my life. I know I am rebellious, and I really do think people have to earn my respect, but the Truth that recently hit me afresh was that I need to be a servant even when I am commanded to do something. It cannot always be on my terms, and no one has to earn my respect for it to be right for me to respect them.
Here at Doulos we have a lot of serve days where we are told what we have to do and it usually involves doing really menial tasks that seem to be pointless or efforts in futility. Many of those things I would gladly do if no one asked me to - for instance, cleaning windows or vacuuming floors or raking leaves. I would do any of those if it hit me that it needed to be done and would bless someone. Yet, when I am told I HAVE to do those things I get really defensive and negative and even angry and resentful. That is not the attitude of Christ.
I want things to be on my terms. I want others to earn my respect. I am cordial and respectful in action towards most authorities here and elsewhere. I will usually do what I am asked/told to do. But the part Jesus is most concerned with is my underlying attitude and heart in the situation. My heart in those times is not Christ-like at all. I am rebellious and evil in my heart.
I want that to change. I want to serve others when they ask me to do menial, annoying or dumb tasks. I want to have a better attitude. I want to offer respect and submit my heart to others even if they treat me like crap and never consider my thoughts or feelings. This is huge for me - someone who is very, very... very independent and opinionated. Yet, it is a step I need to take. I need Christ to empty out those black, disgusting parts of my heart that drip with resentfulness and anger and fill them with peace, submission and love. I am thinking this year is a great time for that to happen. But it will be a hard uphill battle against a lot of filth in my life and against a lot of powers who want me to remain independent and proud.
Father help me have the right heart, not just the right actions.
I have always thought of myself as pretty submissive and servant-hearted. And in a lot of ways I am. I love serving people and blessing them by doing nice things for them and encouraging them. The problem is, I am only a servant when it is on my terms. Through a couple conversations this week with some other bigs here I realized just how rebellious I am. I will do what people tell me to do, but I will complain about it and in my heart resent them for being that "oppressive authority" in my life. I know I am rebellious, and I really do think people have to earn my respect, but the Truth that recently hit me afresh was that I need to be a servant even when I am commanded to do something. It cannot always be on my terms, and no one has to earn my respect for it to be right for me to respect them.
Here at Doulos we have a lot of serve days where we are told what we have to do and it usually involves doing really menial tasks that seem to be pointless or efforts in futility. Many of those things I would gladly do if no one asked me to - for instance, cleaning windows or vacuuming floors or raking leaves. I would do any of those if it hit me that it needed to be done and would bless someone. Yet, when I am told I HAVE to do those things I get really defensive and negative and even angry and resentful. That is not the attitude of Christ.
I want things to be on my terms. I want others to earn my respect. I am cordial and respectful in action towards most authorities here and elsewhere. I will usually do what I am asked/told to do. But the part Jesus is most concerned with is my underlying attitude and heart in the situation. My heart in those times is not Christ-like at all. I am rebellious and evil in my heart.
I want that to change. I want to serve others when they ask me to do menial, annoying or dumb tasks. I want to have a better attitude. I want to offer respect and submit my heart to others even if they treat me like crap and never consider my thoughts or feelings. This is huge for me - someone who is very, very... very independent and opinionated. Yet, it is a step I need to take. I need Christ to empty out those black, disgusting parts of my heart that drip with resentfulness and anger and fill them with peace, submission and love. I am thinking this year is a great time for that to happen. But it will be a hard uphill battle against a lot of filth in my life and against a lot of powers who want me to remain independent and proud.
Father help me have the right heart, not just the right actions.
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