Refusing to Live in Fear

These past couple months I have been in a situation I find myself in all too often. I like a guy. Yep... sometimes I feel like I am in junior high again. Like, you know, when every week you like some new boy. Thank God I am not that bad, but it is really no surprise that I like some guy here at Doulos. There are a lot of amazing people here and I am blessed by them all.

The thing about me though, is that previously I would not tell anyone that I liked some guy. I would keep it all to myself and deal with it in silence. I would get all worked up and stressed out over it and would never tell anyone what I was dealing with.

Another thing I have always done when it comes to liking guys is that I avoid them. I try to put as much space between us as possible. I think a lot of that has to do with trying to protect myself from further anxiety. It may also be because I think guys need to pursue women in relationships, so by becoming more scarce and silent I was somehow making it easier for them to pursue me or more obvious that I wanted them to. I realize now just how dumb that was.

Of all my relationship dysfunctions and fears it is no wonder I haven't had a relationship (or even a date) since I was 16. I am pretty sure guys don't want girls who hide from them.

Oh to look at how screwed up I was, and in many ways still am, I have to laugh out loud. It is pretty ridiculous.

Anyway, bringing this whole thing back to the present: I have liked this guy here at Doulos for almost two months now and I have been agonizing over my feelings. For the longest time I just wanted them to go away so I could be free from the frustration they cause. Then I tried to just accept them and keep acting like nothing was different. I decided to tell some of the other girl bigs here (the jury is still out on whether or not that was a good idea) that I liked him, which was huge, but I also asked for them to keep me accountable. I wanted them to not let me act stupid when he was around or to talk about him too much or any of that jazz. Them knowing was good... until word got around to pretty much the entire staff that I liked this guy.

*Side note: it is frustrating and crazy that important items to be communicated get lost quickly and I feel out of the loop all the time regarding what is going on but juicy relationship tidbits like this fly from ear to ear without any breakdown. I hate it....

I was not okay with everyone knowing because the teasing and comments that come with that only serve to escalate my emotions more. So, on top of the stress here that is the norm I had to deal with this added anxiety. Then, to top it all off, the guy littles got wind of my attraction and began teasing me. After that I discovered that the guy knew I liked him too. That was the last straw.

So, after a lot of tears, prayer, and anxious wringing of my hands I decided to go talk to this guy in person. I wanted to clear the air and express my feelings from my own mouth rather than him hearing anything through the grapevine. I have lived in fear my whole life when it comes to conversations like that, but I knew I needed to tell him, otherwise our friendship would be strained and awkward even more.

Praise God the conversation went well. I was able to verbalize that I liked him and that I wanted us to be friends and not avoid one another or have things be awkward. He said he was glad I talked with him, and it was pretty much decided that right now is not the time to start a relationship. Both he and I are here to grow in our lives and faith, a relationship would only cause more problems than it would help. So, we are to remain friends. I am so relieved and thankful to God for that. As much as I would like a relationship, I want even more for us to just be able to get to know each other without expectations or weirdness getting in the way. We both know where the other stands, and we are both okay with not moving forward on any of these feelings.

Through this whole stressful ordeal I have already been stretched and taught a lot:
*I was able to overcome my fears in talking with him.
*I was able to express my emotions in a calm and appropriate way.
*I asked others for accountability and advice where I needed it.
*I spent a lot of time in prayer asking God to show me the next step to take.
*I respected his opinion and desires to avoid a relationship for now and I know that is the best for both of us.
*I figured out that by talking with others I am able to diffuse a lot of stress rather than allow it to continue growing and festering as I keep silent.

Thank God for this experience. I have no idea what the future holds, but I am okay with not knowing because I trust God and I know I am doing what He is asking me to do at this point. For the first time in a long time I feel free from relationship anxiety. :) Yay!