Hammocks

I love swinging in my hammock in my front yard. I have a gorgeous view of the farm under the shade of the apple tree. The breeze plays with my hair and the kittens purr in my lap. The sky is such a beautiful blue with playful white clouds drifting their way east. The grass and trees bring alive a vast array of greens and I find myself completely at peace just sitting there, not reading a book, not texting or talking on my cellphone. Not even thinking about anything in particular. I love to just take in the breathtaking beauty of a very important gift God gave me: my home.

I have been in such a place of peace recently. Even in the midst of miscommunication and hurt, arguments, and storms of every kind. God just keeps granting me such a deep incomprehensible peace. The simplest things bring me the most joy. The wind whipping my hair in my face. The sound of kitten purring as she sleeps on my lap. The feel of the grass between my toes. The long hard day of work I put in, knowing I accomplished something important each day.

It actually surprises me to think that a year ago I struggled for this deep joy. Nothing could make me happy. There was no reprieve from the storms and the hurt and the anger. Outwardly, nothing has changed. My life really isn't that much different than it was before. Yet, inwardly a world of difference exists. I am so grateful to God for that. He is truly bringing me healing and joy.

Is it Safe to Fall yet?

So... I'm a girl - duh right? - and there are things I desire in my life. One such thing is a relationship with some amazing guy who will sweep me off my feet and treat me like a princess.

It's easy being on a Christian campus to daily see such great guys - who are usually already "taken" unfortunately - and it is equally easy to find myself having crushes on some of them. Nothing serious, but I enjoy being around them, and I thank God for those friendships with God-seeking men.

I could easily see myself falling head over heals for some guy who started to pursue me. It would not be hard to be completely flattered and honored, and knowing my passionate self I know that the flattered-ness would soon turn into serious attraction and possibly (dare I use the word) love.

Yes, I want to fall in love. I want to be comfortable enough to say "I love you" and to be myself around some guy. I want to find the perfect guy for me.

I am not naive enough to think there are perfect guys out there (as there are no perfect girls either). I know I need to be willing to accept someone despite their mistakes and imperfections. But I also know I need to have standards.

The question is: how high should my standards be? When is it safe for me to fall in love with the RIGHT guy? How will I know, when I meet him?

I remember quite a few years ago making a list of all the things I wanted in a husband. Things like handsome, having similar passions as me, strong were obviously on the list. And those are still important. But...

as I begin to fall for this one particular guy some of those things start to lose importance. Not that he isn't handsome or strong, but our passions lie in different places. My biggest concern is where he is in his relationship with God. I can overlook almost everything else as long as I know he is seeking God with all his heart.

In two weeks I will be walking away from this campus for good. I will be receiving a diploma and stepping out into the "real world". There are a million changes happening as I take this next step. I am still not sure where I will be a year from now, much less a month from now.

Is now a good time to start a relationship?
Do I want a long-distance relationship?
Are we even heading in that direction?

We hang out and I enjoy spending time with him, and it appears as though he wants to spend time with me and get to know me. But does he want a serious relationship? Does he just want a friendship? I honestly don't know yet.

I am bound and determined to take this whole thing one step at a time. I also refuse to take control and start that conversation with him. If he wants a deeper, dating, relationship with me, he has to ask. I want him to take the lead and take the risk. I am willing to accept...

At least I think I am...

Do I just want a relationship in general - who I am with doesn't matter?
Do I want to be in a relationship with him in particular?
Why do I feel so comfortable around him?
Is God opening doors and giving permission/encouragement?
Is Satan trying to hold me back from God's will by dangling a carrot in front of me?


Is it right for me to fall yet?

Time Well Spent

I have never been good at keeping in touch with people. As a teenager I would go to camp or on missions trips, meet wonderful friends, and vow to keep in touch with them forever. A few years later, and I have no idea where they are or what is going on in their lives. Granted, Facebook keeps me updated, but it's not the same. I hate it actually. I will typically refrain from even have a conversation with anyone I know I won't see again or have a deeper relationship with.

I would rather sit alone than meet new people, especially here at school, right now... because in a few months I will be leaving and I would rather not start friendships now because I have a feeling deep in the pit of my stomach that by this fall I won't hear from them again.

Recently, I have not called some of my friends in a long time even though I know we need to hang out soon. They only live like 15-20 minutes away, but I can never seem to make time... well, I have time, but most of that down time is spent sleeping, doing homework, or just recharging by being alone. I hate this...

I wish life wasn't so chaotic. And I know it will only get worse as I leave college and enter the working world. I wish I could slow down and enjoy life more. I wish I just had less things to do. I downsized a lot this year from previous years, but I still feel so busy. And now my busyness is slowing tearing apart my relationships. Grrrr...

Lord help me realize that relationships are more important that classes and essays. Help me put my own comfort aside to spend time with those who need my presence and love.

Divine Purpose

Among my professors and peers here at school it is commonly referred to as "my call". We talk about what God is "calling" us to do with our lives, and it has become a kind of catch-all phrase that no one can question. Like, "I feel called to go teach in Africa" or "I am called to work in the inner-city."

For the most part, I don't question other people's "callings". I mean, who am I to say what God has spoken to someone else. But my own calling I question more and more often. Not because I do not want to do what I "feel called to do" but because in some ways it goes against my beliefs. Would God actually "call" me to do something that was wrong?

So, after I left Asbury College to go home for a semester I got this vision/dream to start a youth center in my home town. From there it grew into working with teenagers in that sort of setting in a bunch of different towns. The vision continues to grow and I even have a desire to work in a residential facility somewhere with struggling teens.

I tell people my "call" is to work with teenagers. I say this because I love being around teenagers and watching them interact, learn, struggle with life and faith issues. It touches my heart to talk with them about what is going on in their lives and how they want to know God better.

There are a lot of things I would like to do in my life such as start youth centers in small towns, work in a residential facility, work in a juvenile detention center, do prison ministry, etc. and I will say that I am "called" to do those things.

But... who decides if I am really called to do that? I mean, what if I am just going off on my own little tangent of things I like and want to do while God is standing off to the side saying, "hey, over here! I have something else I want you to do!" I am selfish and blind enough to completely miss His will, so how do I know I am headed in the right direction?

Others have seen a gift in me that I work well with teenagers. Ok. And I look at where I was when I got the vision to start a youth center. I had no desire to work with youth at that point, so the vision must have been from God; it was at least not from my own desire at that point.

I hope I am on the right path. I hope I am fulfilling God's divine purpose for my life. I don't want to do the wrong thing just because I enjoy doing it. That is not a good enough reason to pursue something.

I guess I wish someone could analyze my life and my vision to say to me whether or not I really am called to work with teenagers in those situations and places. We were talking about ordination in one of my classes last week. I still have no idea what ordination specifically is or why ministers should get ordained, but I wonder if it doesn't have something to do with others looking at our lives, our gifts/talents, and our "calling" and deciding if we are really where we should be and then confirm that to us when we are "ordained". I don't know... but I do think that would be nice - to have others confirm to me that I am exactly where I should be.

I trust God, but I don't really trust my ability to hear Him clearly, so I walk semi-blindly by faith; and that, if I am not headed in the right direction, God will make it absolutely clear to me that I need to change course. Until that may happen though, I will keep serving teenagers. That is where my passion and talents lie at the moment.

I am so glad God has a divine purpose for my life. I just hope I can follow it all the days of my life... only by the grace of God...

Beginning of the End

So, I was walking around campus yesterday and it struck me that this is my last semester here. I won't be returning next fall. I will probably never again wander across campus to the library to print things off, or to the DC for dinner. I will no longer trudge to the Business Office to pay my bills or to the church for chapel. This is it: the end.

A lot of people have told me over the last five years that "these are the best days of your life" and "the time will fly by and you'll miss it." I didn't understand until now. Not that these have been the best years of my life, I hope they get better, but the years have flown by and I can't believe all that I have experienced during my time here.

I made lasting friendships that I know I will keep until I die. I traveled to Cambodia. I was stretched and challenged and learned a lot about myself. God healed a lot of my heart during these years.

I think... I think I will miss my time here. I am ready to be done with school and enter a world where I no longer have to attend new classes every four months, and have 100s of pages of reading to do each night. I am ready to know something other than formalized education, namely a steady job. Yet, in spite of my desire to move on I realize now how much God has blessed me during these years with so many things. It will be scary to move on into a world I am not comfortable with. Stepping out of this safety net into the lion's den.

I am not sure when, but somewhere in the last two months I changed... a lot. I am mysteriously different than I was last November. I can't put my finger on exactly what or when, but I know something changed. I see things differently now.

I am not afraid of people for one. It wasn't hard for me to lower my head and ignore others and think I wasn't good enough for anyone to want to talk to. Now I find myself more confident, raising my head and smiling at strangers as I pass them on the sidewalk. In my classes, peers I once thought so much better than me I can now talk to without fear of their judgment. Not sure where the confidence came from or why I am no longer afraid, but I like it.

I guess better late than never. In just a few short months I will be in a place where I don't know anyone and I will have to build relationships from scratch again. I think I can do it. Maybe this is the one last thing God wants to teach me before I leave this place. Actually there are probably a few things left for Him to teach me, but this one will for sure take a lot of practice.

It is amazing how nostalgia always sets in before things ever even end. I will be so sad all semester, but then when graduation comes I won't be able to cry...

Bittersweet... so glad to leave, so sad I cannot stay.

Metacognition

There are a thousand different reasons why I might be struggling with depression: chemical imbalances or an inability to deal with stress to name just a couple. I have no idea why I have to deal with this particular demon, but for the past 10 years I have had to.

The constant hatred for my own life was destroying me. Yet, in some weird way I was able to adjust to this mindset. It was like there are two different minds in my head. One is always mulling over the bad. The other is always trying to point out the good and the truth of my life. I think the bad mind is my own. I think the other mind is God's Spirit keeping me alive.

I recently went on meds to fight the depression. Yet, an unexpected side effect I seem to be having is an inability to process new information. My mind was always working before. I would always be thinking, trying to figure things out. I could never just let anything go. Now, it is like all new information just hits a brick wall and I can't bring it into consciousness without a lot of effort.

I'm not sure I like this turn of events. There were times, sure, when I wanted my brain to slow down and just let stuff go. Now, though... I realize that I had adjusted to thinking like that. It is hard to readjust to quietness in my skull.

The quietness is a little scary. But scarier still is that I keep getting bombarded with things I need to figure out. I need to decide a career in just a few short months. I need to deal with the sin in my life in the area of not being satisfied with what God has given me. I need to be open to God speaking because it seems like I have no idea what His will is when I pray (I always seem to get the opposite of what I pray for). Yet, all these things I can't hold in consciousness long enough to work through them.

Maybe this is what most people have to deal with: faith that God will work it out without them figuring it out in their heads first. Who knows... but it is not like I didn't have to rely on faith before - I had to cling so close to God's grace because if I let go I would literally die.

I have always known that the only reason I am alive for each breath I take is God's desire for me to fulfill His purpose first. I have no idea what that is, but if He withdrew His hand from my life I would cease to breath.

I don't know where this whole thing will go, or any of the other ways I will need to readjust. I can only hold on to hope that God will come through as He always has and show me what I need to do. Until then, frustration and fear are the spoilers of the day.

Dear God, please act soon!

Love and Loss

Her name was Maxine. She was born on October 4, 1995. I thought she was beautiful and full of spunk. I asked my parents if she could be mine. And, at 9 years old, I owned my very own calf. My name would be on the registration forms and everything. She ended up being one of my very best friends.

I used to love animals. They were intelligent, loving, and would listen without judgment when I just needed to get something off my chest. Now, where there was once love is a black hole of hurt. Maxine and so many others were ripped from my hands all too soon.

There is a saying that goes, "it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." I disagree most of the time, but in rare instances I can see what he was saying. I wouldn't trade my time with Maxine for anything in the world. But I would rather not ever really love again to keep from losing and hurting this much ever again.

It is hard to explain to people how much I loved Maxine. I mean, to everyone else she was just some dirty, stupid cow. But to me, she was a very close friend. Her eyes were alive, and I knew what she was thinking just by looking into her eyes. I still miss her so much it hurts. Whenever I think about her or picture her face I begin crying again.

December 20, 2002 - my 17th birthday - all the cows on my farm were loaded up into trucks and moved to another farm an hour away. The sales transaction was complete. Maxine was on one of those trucks.

I died inside.

This morning I went down to the barn to feed the cats, and I saw that one of the kittens who had been sick didn't make it through the night. I was sad for this poor animal, but my mind immediately went to Maxine and how much I hate losing these beautiful creatures.

A great deal of my pain in life comes from losing these wonderful animals and friends. Most people can't understand why, but I try to explain it this way: "Have you ever lost 150 of your closest friends all at the same time? Well, when you have to endure that, then you will know how badly I hurt inside." That is no exaggeration, honest.

No wonder so many years later I am still grieving.

God told me once that every tear I cry heals one more piece of my broken heart. I have cried so much through the years that I am amazed by how many pieces my heart is in. And there is still so much hurt left to heal.

I have no idea if animals end up in Heaven. If they do...I hope Maxine is there waiting for me. If not, then Jesus is going to have to hold me for a long time, wiping tears from my eyes...

I miss you, Maxine. You will always be a part of me.