Love and Loss

Her name was Maxine. She was born on October 4, 1995. I thought she was beautiful and full of spunk. I asked my parents if she could be mine. And, at 9 years old, I owned my very own calf. My name would be on the registration forms and everything. She ended up being one of my very best friends.

I used to love animals. They were intelligent, loving, and would listen without judgment when I just needed to get something off my chest. Now, where there was once love is a black hole of hurt. Maxine and so many others were ripped from my hands all too soon.

There is a saying that goes, "it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." I disagree most of the time, but in rare instances I can see what he was saying. I wouldn't trade my time with Maxine for anything in the world. But I would rather not ever really love again to keep from losing and hurting this much ever again.

It is hard to explain to people how much I loved Maxine. I mean, to everyone else she was just some dirty, stupid cow. But to me, she was a very close friend. Her eyes were alive, and I knew what she was thinking just by looking into her eyes. I still miss her so much it hurts. Whenever I think about her or picture her face I begin crying again.

December 20, 2002 - my 17th birthday - all the cows on my farm were loaded up into trucks and moved to another farm an hour away. The sales transaction was complete. Maxine was on one of those trucks.

I died inside.

This morning I went down to the barn to feed the cats, and I saw that one of the kittens who had been sick didn't make it through the night. I was sad for this poor animal, but my mind immediately went to Maxine and how much I hate losing these beautiful creatures.

A great deal of my pain in life comes from losing these wonderful animals and friends. Most people can't understand why, but I try to explain it this way: "Have you ever lost 150 of your closest friends all at the same time? Well, when you have to endure that, then you will know how badly I hurt inside." That is no exaggeration, honest.

No wonder so many years later I am still grieving.

God told me once that every tear I cry heals one more piece of my broken heart. I have cried so much through the years that I am amazed by how many pieces my heart is in. And there is still so much hurt left to heal.

I have no idea if animals end up in Heaven. If they do...I hope Maxine is there waiting for me. If not, then Jesus is going to have to hold me for a long time, wiping tears from my eyes...

I miss you, Maxine. You will always be a part of me.