Saving my Life

You ever had one of those days when you wake up feeling angry or sad or like there is just something wrong? Do they happen more often than not?

I have spent a good chunk of my life under a dark cloud. I wish it would go away - I don't like being downhearted and angry. There is no reason for me to be so. I have a decent family, friends, a good education, etc., but I still feel so often like I am alone or that all of life sucks. The facts don't support that, but I cannot control how I feel.

Today is one of those days when I just feel like my life sucks and getting to Heaven is my greatest desire. I have had a lot of days like this recently, well, since August anyway. This feeling is not a stranger; it has followed on my heels for almost 10 years. Yet, periods come and go when I feel some relief, but then all it takes is a couple stressful events and I am back wishing my life was over.

Fortunately (or unfortunately) I do not have the strength to take my own life. Rather, I keep praying for God to let me die since He has control over these kinds of things. But to this moment He has refused. I am not all that thankful actually, but somewhere deep inside I don't want to die. But more than that I don't want to live the rest of my life with this deep pain and darkness in my soul.

Today as I was sitting in church and the communion bread and juice were being passed around, I wished once again that I could just be in Heaven with Jesus instead of remembering His death. And with my eyes closed and tears brimming just under the surface, it felt like Jesus was sitting next to me, with His arm over my shoulder, saying something to the effect of, "I know it is hard, but I'm here." I could almost see the pain written on His face as He saw me in pain. I wondered, "then why not just take it away?" But I realized that just like people get cancer or heart attacks, my body isn't perfect either. Sometimes God heals, sometimes He doesn't. I don't know how He decides, but I leave that to Him. As I was sitting in His embrace today it was like He was saying, "your body is broken just like many others'. It's ok to get some help in this" My brokenness is just in my mind and harder to heal than cancer or broken bones.

It was nice to have Jesus' arm around me. You have no idea how comforting that felt. It has been nice hearing His voice the last couple days. Yet, I am so afraid that I will get so caught up with "life" again that I will stop listening and waiting for Him. It has happened before, too many times to count. My heart hurts with that thought. I just want to be close to Jesus because He is the only one who can ease my hurts and chase away the clouds long enough to see a glimpse of light.

God saved my life - in every way. Spiritually when I was 6 or 7. Physically when I was 17. I know that my whole life exists because of and is wrapped up in Him. I know I would be dead right now if it weren't for His love. I know that I would die today if He withdrew that love.

So... I keep waiting for Him to save me mentally...