Metacognition

There are a thousand different reasons why I might be struggling with depression: chemical imbalances or an inability to deal with stress to name just a couple. I have no idea why I have to deal with this particular demon, but for the past 10 years I have had to.

The constant hatred for my own life was destroying me. Yet, in some weird way I was able to adjust to this mindset. It was like there are two different minds in my head. One is always mulling over the bad. The other is always trying to point out the good and the truth of my life. I think the bad mind is my own. I think the other mind is God's Spirit keeping me alive.

I recently went on meds to fight the depression. Yet, an unexpected side effect I seem to be having is an inability to process new information. My mind was always working before. I would always be thinking, trying to figure things out. I could never just let anything go. Now, it is like all new information just hits a brick wall and I can't bring it into consciousness without a lot of effort.

I'm not sure I like this turn of events. There were times, sure, when I wanted my brain to slow down and just let stuff go. Now, though... I realize that I had adjusted to thinking like that. It is hard to readjust to quietness in my skull.

The quietness is a little scary. But scarier still is that I keep getting bombarded with things I need to figure out. I need to decide a career in just a few short months. I need to deal with the sin in my life in the area of not being satisfied with what God has given me. I need to be open to God speaking because it seems like I have no idea what His will is when I pray (I always seem to get the opposite of what I pray for). Yet, all these things I can't hold in consciousness long enough to work through them.

Maybe this is what most people have to deal with: faith that God will work it out without them figuring it out in their heads first. Who knows... but it is not like I didn't have to rely on faith before - I had to cling so close to God's grace because if I let go I would literally die.

I have always known that the only reason I am alive for each breath I take is God's desire for me to fulfill His purpose first. I have no idea what that is, but if He withdrew His hand from my life I would cease to breath.

I don't know where this whole thing will go, or any of the other ways I will need to readjust. I can only hold on to hope that God will come through as He always has and show me what I need to do. Until then, frustration and fear are the spoilers of the day.

Dear God, please act soon!