Freedom

What is freedom? One dictionary definition is "exemption from external control". So... how exactly does that mesh with freedom in Christ? I mean, really... we go from being controlled by our sinful nature (which ironically is internal rather than external) to allowing ourselves to be controlled by a purely external source - God.

So, maybe freedom is exemption from internal control... but that just sounds like insanity - an inability to control our actions/thoughts. Therefore, that doesn't work either.

The reason I wonder about freedom is because it seems like we are never free. Something always has at least a partial control over us. I wonder if freedom has more to do with being able to choose what controls us: the ability to throw off oppressive controls to take on other controls. Except that would make us in control... which brings us back to the problem of our sinful nature. Wow... what an incredibly confusing circular argument.

The thing is I desire freedom from a lot of things: depression for one. I know there is something wrong with the way I think and perceive reality. It could be the best day of my life and I would still see all the negative aspects. I would still manage to be upset for whatever dumb reason was near at hand.

I have an intact family, wonderful friends, health, an almost-completed college education, ideas and dreams, prospects for post-graduation jobs, etc. So, how is it that each day I can wake up and not want to get out of bed? How can I still hate my life to the degree that I wished it over?

I know I try to justify my pessimism on the fact that "nothing gold can stay" (thanks, Robert Frost, for that wonderful line). No matter what great thing is happening in my life at any given moment, I have an uncanny ability to see that it will never last. That something bad will come eventually to ruin all joy.

Not a great way to live, but the truth is that after 10 years of trying to overcome this bleak outlook and attitude, I am still failing. When I awake to those days of depression and hopelessness there is really nothing I can do to escape.

I am not free.

I want to be free!

I have asked God to free me since I am supposed to find freedom and healing in Him. Yet, even as He has freed me partially with His presence and words, I am still prisoner to my mind.

And yet, even if I am freed... what then? Like a bird who has been caged for its whole life, I would have no idea what to do if the cage were to be taken away.

I am going to visit a doctor soon to perhaps go on anti-depressant medication. My greatest fear is not that the medication won't work. My fear is that it will. I will be free.

Freedom is scary. It also gives me no more excuse for being a victim. And that was a great reason to seek medical help. It is reassuring at times to play the victim - "everything bad happens to me!" - but it is also annoying. I don't want to be a victim of my circumstances. I want to be joyful and strong - able to face the greatest tragedy with tears, yes, but also with hope that everything will be okay in the end because God is in control.

I'm not free yet, and maybe I never will be... but, PRAISE GOD!, in Heaven I will be free. With that thought I can make it through whatever bondage this earth places on me for the next few decades.

Guess I have some hope after all... and hope is painful, yet mysteriously freeing...