Loving Longest when Hope is Gone

"All the privilege I claim for my own sex is that of loving longest when existence or when hope is gone." ~ Anne Elliot in Jane Austen's Persuasion

I heard this saying a few years ago and I thought then it was so true. And to this day I am even more convinced of its truth.

I have loved someone for about five years. It wasn't exactly love at first sight, but it was definitely attraction at first sight and has grown into love since then. At the time I would see him throughout the week and a surface friendship even developed. However, it soon became apparent that he was out of my league and there was no way he could feel for me the same as I did for him.

So I resolved to put him out of my mind and repress the growing love in my heart. It didn't work. I went away to school for weeks and months at a time without seeing or hearing from him, and I convinced myself that I no longer had feelings for him. Yet, when I went home and chanced to see him, all the attraction and love would hit me full-force again. It would take me weeks to recover.

I would yell at myself for being so stupid. I prayed for the feelings to go away. I tried to transfer my attraction to other guys and succeeded in some small way a few times, but it was never the same thing. Underneath all other "crushes" I was still in love with this one other guy. I hated it so much because I could not control or master it. And the worst part was I knew there was no hope of being with him.

I told myself that it would have to fade eventually. There was no fuel to the fire other than seeing him and talking to him on occasion. He never did anything to encourage my feelings. In fact, there were times when he drove me absolutely crazy by saying something really mean or discouraging.

Yet I still loved him. Why do so many women do that? They fall in love with guys who treat them like crap. I see it all the time - "oh, he doesn't mean it", "he is under a lot of stress", "I know he still loves me". Give me a break! And here I am in that category of loving some jerk. I just don't get it.

"The heart has reasons that reason does not know." I hate that fact too...

So, here I am stuck: in love with a guy who does not care for me at all like that. Unable to conquer the passion in my heart. Five years and no change (other than increased anger at myself for my stupidity). I can't even stay angry at him for being a jerk! I always find myself forgiving him and making excuses... GAH!!!!

I guess all hope is gone, but my heart will not accept that and love carries on without permission. Maybe, please, maybe someday I will stop feeling this way for this guy. Or maybe I will just have to move to a foreign country and stay there the rest of my life without ever seeing him again. Actually... that doesn't sound like such a bad idea...