Yesterday was a rough day for me. My emotions were all over the place and I felt like Satan was attacking me in my weakest areas. I asked some friends to pray for me, and I know they did, and I even got a chance to sit down, talk through things and pray with a mentor of mine, but even at end of the day I felt like I was still in the battle.
It's amazing to me how some days I can pray, and I feel almost instant spiritual relief through the peace or joy of Christ. But then there are days like yesterday when I pray and I still feel under attack.
What I realized today, however, is no matter what the outcome of prayer, it is still a privilege to come before The Great I Am. It also occurred to me that while I was not delivered from the battle, God's strength was sufficient to hold me through it.
Today, when I awoke, my mind was different, and I did not feel the spiritual fog that I was trudging through yesterday. The lethargy, the emotional roller-coaster, and the obsessive thoughts were gone. It did not take me long to know that the battle had been won while I was asleep.
What an amazingly releasing feeling - to know that I can give my cares, battles, fears, and emotional mess to an amazing God who fights on my behalf and can win without any help from me. I just have to trust He will act. There is a verse I love in Psalms: "In peace I will both lie down and sleep, for You alone, O Lord, make me to dwell in safety." (4:8)
Another verse is "the fear of the Lord leads to life, that one may sleep satisfied, untouched by evil." (Proverbs 19:23)
We can fall asleep in complete peace and safety because our God is stronger than our adversary. What a glorious thought! And to know my Father fights for me and wants only what is best for me. It is humbling...
So often I think I know what is best for my life, or I try to explain to myself why something would be in God's best interest to let me have - what arrogance! To assume I know what will bring God the most glory? Maybe those battles that I have to persevere in are allowed to continue so that I will more fully fear God and His majesty. Maybe in the midst of it all my trust is being deepened and His love is being poured out more fully.
I no longer want to pray only for relief from spiritual battle, but for sufficient strength to allow God to fight for me instead of trying to win in my own logic and understanding. I am sure there will be many more battles where this desire will be put to the test....
Friday, March 22, 2013
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Narrow Road
This past week at Shelterwood the staff and students worked on service projects all week. We went out into the Independence/Kansas City communities to volunteer in a variety of ways. We served in a homeless shelter serving meals, we put up drywall in a Habitat for Humanity house, and we sorted clothes at a thrift store, among other things.
Some of the littles (which meant some of the bigs went too) chose to go on a three day retreat at a campground a couple hours away this week. I was chosen to be one of the bigs who went, and it was a very relaxing time to spend with the girls. We went to a few group sessions and heard the speakers talk about various topics, then we had small group times where we discussed those topics. We also had prayer partner times where I got to pray with the little I was paired with for the retreat. I got to know her so much better because of that time together, and I am so thankful for the growth I am seeing in her life and how God is challenging her and comforting her amidst her struggles.
During our time there I also got some time to be alone and also to take a walk down the trail around the campground. It was so nice to just step back from the daily grind for a couple hours to think through some of the things God is doing in my life.
Satan also tried to cast doubt and lies into my life through a situation and conversation where I began to feel really stupid, inferior and not good enough. Thankfully, God would not let me accept that lie, and I was able to pray through what I was really feeling to realize that I am a child of God, and as long as I follow Him I am doing just fine. I used to struggle a lot with self-worth, but lately I have see just how much I find my worth in Christ and not my own talents/possessions. God also worked it out so that what the speaker talked about that night was about what we put our hope in. The speaker, Chris, said he used to put his hope and confidence in his intelligence (I do that too) but now he realizes that his intelligence will fail and our confidence needs to be in Christ because He is the only One who will never fail.
On Friday we were back on property and I worked with the group at the Habitat house. It was so much fun to work with everyone there putting up drywall. I miss the hard physical labor of working on a farm. Now, I have the weekend off and I am just chilling in Blue Springs, enjoying some time alone to rest and pray without distraction.
God is so good to provide. :)
Some of the littles (which meant some of the bigs went too) chose to go on a three day retreat at a campground a couple hours away this week. I was chosen to be one of the bigs who went, and it was a very relaxing time to spend with the girls. We went to a few group sessions and heard the speakers talk about various topics, then we had small group times where we discussed those topics. We also had prayer partner times where I got to pray with the little I was paired with for the retreat. I got to know her so much better because of that time together, and I am so thankful for the growth I am seeing in her life and how God is challenging her and comforting her amidst her struggles.
During our time there I also got some time to be alone and also to take a walk down the trail around the campground. It was so nice to just step back from the daily grind for a couple hours to think through some of the things God is doing in my life.
Satan also tried to cast doubt and lies into my life through a situation and conversation where I began to feel really stupid, inferior and not good enough. Thankfully, God would not let me accept that lie, and I was able to pray through what I was really feeling to realize that I am a child of God, and as long as I follow Him I am doing just fine. I used to struggle a lot with self-worth, but lately I have see just how much I find my worth in Christ and not my own talents/possessions. God also worked it out so that what the speaker talked about that night was about what we put our hope in. The speaker, Chris, said he used to put his hope and confidence in his intelligence (I do that too) but now he realizes that his intelligence will fail and our confidence needs to be in Christ because He is the only One who will never fail.
On Friday we were back on property and I worked with the group at the Habitat house. It was so much fun to work with everyone there putting up drywall. I miss the hard physical labor of working on a farm. Now, I have the weekend off and I am just chilling in Blue Springs, enjoying some time alone to rest and pray without distraction.
God is so good to provide. :)
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Refusing to Live in Fear
These past couple months I have been in a situation I find myself in all too often. I like a guy. Yep... sometimes I feel like I am in junior high again. Like, you know, when every week you like some new boy. Thank God I am not that bad, but it is really no surprise that I like some guy here at Doulos. There are a lot of amazing people here and I am blessed by them all.
The thing about me though, is that previously I would not tell anyone that I liked some guy. I would keep it all to myself and deal with it in silence. I would get all worked up and stressed out over it and would never tell anyone what I was dealing with.
Another thing I have always done when it comes to liking guys is that I avoid them. I try to put as much space between us as possible. I think a lot of that has to do with trying to protect myself from further anxiety. It may also be because I think guys need to pursue women in relationships, so by becoming more scarce and silent I was somehow making it easier for them to pursue me or more obvious that I wanted them to. I realize now just how dumb that was.
Of all my relationship dysfunctions and fears it is no wonder I haven't had a relationship (or even a date) since I was 16. I am pretty sure guys don't want girls who hide from them.
Oh to look at how screwed up I was, and in many ways still am, I have to laugh out loud. It is pretty ridiculous.
Anyway, bringing this whole thing back to the present: I have liked this guy here at Doulos for almost two months now and I have been agonizing over my feelings. For the longest time I just wanted them to go away so I could be free from the frustration they cause. Then I tried to just accept them and keep acting like nothing was different. I decided to tell some of the other girl bigs here (the jury is still out on whether or not that was a good idea) that I liked him, which was huge, but I also asked for them to keep me accountable. I wanted them to not let me act stupid when he was around or to talk about him too much or any of that jazz. Them knowing was good... until word got around to pretty much the entire staff that I liked this guy.
*Side note: it is frustrating and crazy that important items to be communicated get lost quickly and I feel out of the loop all the time regarding what is going on but juicy relationship tidbits like this fly from ear to ear without any breakdown. I hate it....
I was not okay with everyone knowing because the teasing and comments that come with that only serve to escalate my emotions more. So, on top of the stress here that is the norm I had to deal with this added anxiety. Then, to top it all off, the guy littles got wind of my attraction and began teasing me. After that I discovered that the guy knew I liked him too. That was the last straw.
So, after a lot of tears, prayer, and anxious wringing of my hands I decided to go talk to this guy in person. I wanted to clear the air and express my feelings from my own mouth rather than him hearing anything through the grapevine. I have lived in fear my whole life when it comes to conversations like that, but I knew I needed to tell him, otherwise our friendship would be strained and awkward even more.
Praise God the conversation went well. I was able to verbalize that I liked him and that I wanted us to be friends and not avoid one another or have things be awkward. He said he was glad I talked with him, and it was pretty much decided that right now is not the time to start a relationship. Both he and I are here to grow in our lives and faith, a relationship would only cause more problems than it would help. So, we are to remain friends. I am so relieved and thankful to God for that. As much as I would like a relationship, I want even more for us to just be able to get to know each other without expectations or weirdness getting in the way. We both know where the other stands, and we are both okay with not moving forward on any of these feelings.
Through this whole stressful ordeal I have already been stretched and taught a lot:
*I was able to overcome my fears in talking with him.
*I was able to express my emotions in a calm and appropriate way.
*I asked others for accountability and advice where I needed it.
*I spent a lot of time in prayer asking God to show me the next step to take.
*I respected his opinion and desires to avoid a relationship for now and I know that is the best for both of us.
*I figured out that by talking with others I am able to diffuse a lot of stress rather than allow it to continue growing and festering as I keep silent.
Thank God for this experience. I have no idea what the future holds, but I am okay with not knowing because I trust God and I know I am doing what He is asking me to do at this point. For the first time in a long time I feel free from relationship anxiety. :) Yay!
The thing about me though, is that previously I would not tell anyone that I liked some guy. I would keep it all to myself and deal with it in silence. I would get all worked up and stressed out over it and would never tell anyone what I was dealing with.
Another thing I have always done when it comes to liking guys is that I avoid them. I try to put as much space between us as possible. I think a lot of that has to do with trying to protect myself from further anxiety. It may also be because I think guys need to pursue women in relationships, so by becoming more scarce and silent I was somehow making it easier for them to pursue me or more obvious that I wanted them to. I realize now just how dumb that was.
Of all my relationship dysfunctions and fears it is no wonder I haven't had a relationship (or even a date) since I was 16. I am pretty sure guys don't want girls who hide from them.
Oh to look at how screwed up I was, and in many ways still am, I have to laugh out loud. It is pretty ridiculous.
Anyway, bringing this whole thing back to the present: I have liked this guy here at Doulos for almost two months now and I have been agonizing over my feelings. For the longest time I just wanted them to go away so I could be free from the frustration they cause. Then I tried to just accept them and keep acting like nothing was different. I decided to tell some of the other girl bigs here (the jury is still out on whether or not that was a good idea) that I liked him, which was huge, but I also asked for them to keep me accountable. I wanted them to not let me act stupid when he was around or to talk about him too much or any of that jazz. Them knowing was good... until word got around to pretty much the entire staff that I liked this guy.
*Side note: it is frustrating and crazy that important items to be communicated get lost quickly and I feel out of the loop all the time regarding what is going on but juicy relationship tidbits like this fly from ear to ear without any breakdown. I hate it....
I was not okay with everyone knowing because the teasing and comments that come with that only serve to escalate my emotions more. So, on top of the stress here that is the norm I had to deal with this added anxiety. Then, to top it all off, the guy littles got wind of my attraction and began teasing me. After that I discovered that the guy knew I liked him too. That was the last straw.
So, after a lot of tears, prayer, and anxious wringing of my hands I decided to go talk to this guy in person. I wanted to clear the air and express my feelings from my own mouth rather than him hearing anything through the grapevine. I have lived in fear my whole life when it comes to conversations like that, but I knew I needed to tell him, otherwise our friendship would be strained and awkward even more.
Praise God the conversation went well. I was able to verbalize that I liked him and that I wanted us to be friends and not avoid one another or have things be awkward. He said he was glad I talked with him, and it was pretty much decided that right now is not the time to start a relationship. Both he and I are here to grow in our lives and faith, a relationship would only cause more problems than it would help. So, we are to remain friends. I am so relieved and thankful to God for that. As much as I would like a relationship, I want even more for us to just be able to get to know each other without expectations or weirdness getting in the way. We both know where the other stands, and we are both okay with not moving forward on any of these feelings.
Through this whole stressful ordeal I have already been stretched and taught a lot:
*I was able to overcome my fears in talking with him.
*I was able to express my emotions in a calm and appropriate way.
*I asked others for accountability and advice where I needed it.
*I spent a lot of time in prayer asking God to show me the next step to take.
*I respected his opinion and desires to avoid a relationship for now and I know that is the best for both of us.
*I figured out that by talking with others I am able to diffuse a lot of stress rather than allow it to continue growing and festering as I keep silent.
Thank God for this experience. I have no idea what the future holds, but I am okay with not knowing because I trust God and I know I am doing what He is asking me to do at this point. For the first time in a long time I feel free from relationship anxiety. :) Yay!
Submission to Authority
"Let every soul be in subjection to the higher powers."
I have always thought of myself as pretty submissive and servant-hearted. And in a lot of ways I am. I love serving people and blessing them by doing nice things for them and encouraging them. The problem is, I am only a servant when it is on my terms. Through a couple conversations this week with some other bigs here I realized just how rebellious I am. I will do what people tell me to do, but I will complain about it and in my heart resent them for being that "oppressive authority" in my life. I know I am rebellious, and I really do think people have to earn my respect, but the Truth that recently hit me afresh was that I need to be a servant even when I am commanded to do something. It cannot always be on my terms, and no one has to earn my respect for it to be right for me to respect them.
Here at Doulos we have a lot of serve days where we are told what we have to do and it usually involves doing really menial tasks that seem to be pointless or efforts in futility. Many of those things I would gladly do if no one asked me to - for instance, cleaning windows or vacuuming floors or raking leaves. I would do any of those if it hit me that it needed to be done and would bless someone. Yet, when I am told I HAVE to do those things I get really defensive and negative and even angry and resentful. That is not the attitude of Christ.
I want things to be on my terms. I want others to earn my respect. I am cordial and respectful in action towards most authorities here and elsewhere. I will usually do what I am asked/told to do. But the part Jesus is most concerned with is my underlying attitude and heart in the situation. My heart in those times is not Christ-like at all. I am rebellious and evil in my heart.
I want that to change. I want to serve others when they ask me to do menial, annoying or dumb tasks. I want to have a better attitude. I want to offer respect and submit my heart to others even if they treat me like crap and never consider my thoughts or feelings. This is huge for me - someone who is very, very... very independent and opinionated. Yet, it is a step I need to take. I need Christ to empty out those black, disgusting parts of my heart that drip with resentfulness and anger and fill them with peace, submission and love. I am thinking this year is a great time for that to happen. But it will be a hard uphill battle against a lot of filth in my life and against a lot of powers who want me to remain independent and proud.
Father help me have the right heart, not just the right actions.
I have always thought of myself as pretty submissive and servant-hearted. And in a lot of ways I am. I love serving people and blessing them by doing nice things for them and encouraging them. The problem is, I am only a servant when it is on my terms. Through a couple conversations this week with some other bigs here I realized just how rebellious I am. I will do what people tell me to do, but I will complain about it and in my heart resent them for being that "oppressive authority" in my life. I know I am rebellious, and I really do think people have to earn my respect, but the Truth that recently hit me afresh was that I need to be a servant even when I am commanded to do something. It cannot always be on my terms, and no one has to earn my respect for it to be right for me to respect them.
Here at Doulos we have a lot of serve days where we are told what we have to do and it usually involves doing really menial tasks that seem to be pointless or efforts in futility. Many of those things I would gladly do if no one asked me to - for instance, cleaning windows or vacuuming floors or raking leaves. I would do any of those if it hit me that it needed to be done and would bless someone. Yet, when I am told I HAVE to do those things I get really defensive and negative and even angry and resentful. That is not the attitude of Christ.
I want things to be on my terms. I want others to earn my respect. I am cordial and respectful in action towards most authorities here and elsewhere. I will usually do what I am asked/told to do. But the part Jesus is most concerned with is my underlying attitude and heart in the situation. My heart in those times is not Christ-like at all. I am rebellious and evil in my heart.
I want that to change. I want to serve others when they ask me to do menial, annoying or dumb tasks. I want to have a better attitude. I want to offer respect and submit my heart to others even if they treat me like crap and never consider my thoughts or feelings. This is huge for me - someone who is very, very... very independent and opinionated. Yet, it is a step I need to take. I need Christ to empty out those black, disgusting parts of my heart that drip with resentfulness and anger and fill them with peace, submission and love. I am thinking this year is a great time for that to happen. But it will be a hard uphill battle against a lot of filth in my life and against a lot of powers who want me to remain independent and proud.
Father help me have the right heart, not just the right actions.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
To Be a Woman of God...
So, I just finished this book I received as a gift a few months ago titled "Have I Kissed Dating Goodbye?" by Carolyn McCulley. When I got it I was like, "ok... why am I supposed to read this?" But as I got further and further into the book I realized more and more how I needed to hear what she had to say.
Usually I will highlight a lot of ideas that impact me in books like this, but in this particular book, few things are highlighted, but what is are things that hit me really hard and I am still thinking through.
The first thing was "[Women] are designed by God to be helpers and to make men successful." This is a real slap in the face to those who think women need to be equal to men and have all the same responsibilities and experiences. Eve was created to help Adam be his best, not to be a competitor to him. I loved that she had the guts to write these words, and it changed my perspective towards the men in my life: co-workers, bosses, leaders, pastors, my dad, my brother, etc. I am still wondering what that will look like to make them successful. What exactly do I need to do to accomplish this?
Another thing that hit me strongly was when she was discussing physical beauty. Sentences like "we are asking Christian men to commit themselves to be faithful to one woman for the rest of their lives. Wouldn't it bless them if we were the best we could be, both spiritually and physically?", "men notice beauty" and "women should want to be attractive, especially to their husbands... we should strive to care for our appearance" really woke me up.
I am not a shabby dresser, I try to look presentable and nice, but I don't put hours into getting ready every day. I rarely wear makeup and I don't dress up too often. I have always thought that a man needs to be attracted to my inner beauty rather than my outer beauty, but after reading what Carolyn had to say I realized I need to strive to be beautiful in all ways because that is a main thing I have to offer to the world - beauty, in all its forms. Therefore, I need to take care of myself better, which includes exercising more regularly, eating more healthy foods and dressing up more often. :)
One final thing that really struck me as I read this book was her discussion of the quiet and gentle spirit that Peter refers to in his letters. For the past four or five years I have been mulling over this verse and asking God to make me into a woman with a quiet and gentle spirit. I have come a long way, but I still need some work. What she had to say hit me right in the gut and made me realize just how far I still have left to go.
"A woman who is quiet and gentle is not contorted by stress, anger, or impatience. Her laughter, and not her frowning, is etched in the lines of her face. There is no turbulence in her air space from her agitation and distrust. She's not wound so tight that she vibrates with irritation and anxiety... She trusts the Lord."
Ouch... what big shoes to fill. I frown more than I laugh, I am agitated and agitate people more than I am calm and soothing. I am wound tight most of the time. It sucks, but I still need so much change to happen in my heart before I can be considered a quiet and gentle woman.
There were many other things in this book that affected me greatly, but those were the most impacting. I am grateful to have had this book placed in my hands. I thank the person who gave it to me. I have realized a lot about myself and I have grown a lot more comfortable with my singleness than I ever was before. For this I am grateful and at peace with. Yay! :) God is good!
Usually I will highlight a lot of ideas that impact me in books like this, but in this particular book, few things are highlighted, but what is are things that hit me really hard and I am still thinking through.
The first thing was "[Women] are designed by God to be helpers and to make men successful." This is a real slap in the face to those who think women need to be equal to men and have all the same responsibilities and experiences. Eve was created to help Adam be his best, not to be a competitor to him. I loved that she had the guts to write these words, and it changed my perspective towards the men in my life: co-workers, bosses, leaders, pastors, my dad, my brother, etc. I am still wondering what that will look like to make them successful. What exactly do I need to do to accomplish this?
Another thing that hit me strongly was when she was discussing physical beauty. Sentences like "we are asking Christian men to commit themselves to be faithful to one woman for the rest of their lives. Wouldn't it bless them if we were the best we could be, both spiritually and physically?", "men notice beauty" and "women should want to be attractive, especially to their husbands... we should strive to care for our appearance" really woke me up.
I am not a shabby dresser, I try to look presentable and nice, but I don't put hours into getting ready every day. I rarely wear makeup and I don't dress up too often. I have always thought that a man needs to be attracted to my inner beauty rather than my outer beauty, but after reading what Carolyn had to say I realized I need to strive to be beautiful in all ways because that is a main thing I have to offer to the world - beauty, in all its forms. Therefore, I need to take care of myself better, which includes exercising more regularly, eating more healthy foods and dressing up more often. :)
One final thing that really struck me as I read this book was her discussion of the quiet and gentle spirit that Peter refers to in his letters. For the past four or five years I have been mulling over this verse and asking God to make me into a woman with a quiet and gentle spirit. I have come a long way, but I still need some work. What she had to say hit me right in the gut and made me realize just how far I still have left to go.
"A woman who is quiet and gentle is not contorted by stress, anger, or impatience. Her laughter, and not her frowning, is etched in the lines of her face. There is no turbulence in her air space from her agitation and distrust. She's not wound so tight that she vibrates with irritation and anxiety... She trusts the Lord."
Ouch... what big shoes to fill. I frown more than I laugh, I am agitated and agitate people more than I am calm and soothing. I am wound tight most of the time. It sucks, but I still need so much change to happen in my heart before I can be considered a quiet and gentle woman.
There were many other things in this book that affected me greatly, but those were the most impacting. I am grateful to have had this book placed in my hands. I thank the person who gave it to me. I have realized a lot about myself and I have grown a lot more comfortable with my singleness than I ever was before. For this I am grateful and at peace with. Yay! :) God is good!
Monday, October 19, 2009
Two Month Anniversary
Well, I think the honeymoon is officially over now. The warm fuzzies have been buried and the grit of working with these kids has set in hard and heavy. In the two months I have been here we have had two kids attempt to run away, found out one girl was cutting using a tape dispenser, and have been in multiple tense moments with the other bigs. Yep, no warm fuzzy feelings anymore...
But I still would not trade my time here for anything in the world. I love these kids I work with and am so glad to know each of them. They all have their quirks and get on my nerves from time to time, but I recognize the hurting underneath the thick-skinned facade, and I really just want to love on these kids so much.
The past couple weeks have been difficult emotionally and spiritually for me. I have struggled a lot with relationships here and a part of me wants to build more solid relationships with the other girl bigs especially, but another, larger, part of me is thinking ahead to next fall when we all leave here and go our separate ways. I know this kind of thinking has destroyed friendships in my life before and in a way they become self-fulfilled prophecy, but even when I try to maintain relationships over distances and differing experiences, they still fade away. It sucks, but it makes me afraid to even try to deepen anything now.
So, I don't know what to do. I don't know how much to offer of myself. I don't know how much to seek others out. I think too much...
I want to have real friendships that will last until we are old and gray, but I don't know if I am capable of having that kind of relationship with anyone. I don't even know if anyone wants to be that close to me anyway.
There are so many lies that are so easy to believe. And there are so many lies that are are enhanced by situations and conflicts here. So, God has some work to do to remove the lies and spread the Truth in my heart and mind. But I still have 10 months here, and I know He still has so much to teach me and change in me.
But I still would not trade my time here for anything in the world. I love these kids I work with and am so glad to know each of them. They all have their quirks and get on my nerves from time to time, but I recognize the hurting underneath the thick-skinned facade, and I really just want to love on these kids so much.
The past couple weeks have been difficult emotionally and spiritually for me. I have struggled a lot with relationships here and a part of me wants to build more solid relationships with the other girl bigs especially, but another, larger, part of me is thinking ahead to next fall when we all leave here and go our separate ways. I know this kind of thinking has destroyed friendships in my life before and in a way they become self-fulfilled prophecy, but even when I try to maintain relationships over distances and differing experiences, they still fade away. It sucks, but it makes me afraid to even try to deepen anything now.
So, I don't know what to do. I don't know how much to offer of myself. I don't know how much to seek others out. I think too much...
I want to have real friendships that will last until we are old and gray, but I don't know if I am capable of having that kind of relationship with anyone. I don't even know if anyone wants to be that close to me anyway.
There are so many lies that are so easy to believe. And there are so many lies that are are enhanced by situations and conflicts here. So, God has some work to do to remove the lies and spread the Truth in my heart and mind. But I still have 10 months here, and I know He still has so much to teach me and change in me.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Community or Avoidant Activity?
It is amazing how much activity one can fit into such a small amount of time. The end of this week has been crazy busy (as always - when will I get over that fact?) On Thursday we inspected the buildings and wrote down all the work that needed to be done on each - what a list! Then, we helped two of the staff here move their offices to new rooms. The rest of the evening was spent watching two girls on computers, writing horror stories for their English class. What an interesting assignment...
Then, yesterday I was up at 6:00 to go to the kitchen to make breakfast - french toast - and then after cleanup I went to classes. At noon I went back to the kitchen to help with lunch prep.
One of our HD's on Thursday gave me a coupon for $5 off at Mongolian Barbeque, so I decided to take one of my littles out for lunch on Friday to use it. However, this amazing opportunity to get to know one of my girls better was incredibly hard to make happen. I tried to find someone to switch lunch kitchen duties with, but all the girls had stuff going on or just didn't want to switch and the guys couldn't because one of the guys was off, one was already scheduled for kitchen duty and the other guys had to be on coverage for lunch. I even asked the intern if he would do me a huge favor and work kitchen for me, but he also had to be on coverage, but he agreed to take my place after the kids went back to school. So, thankfully, after the rest of the kids returned to school, me and my little went to lunch! Oh yeah, this was also after I got a lecture from another girl big on how I needed to plan these things ahead of time (I couldn't b/c I had just gotten the coupon and idea) and that this particular girl was already getting special treatment, which from my point of view, she was getting the shaft around here b/c of all the level ones and twos. Anyway, I left somewhat upset with everyone, but after hanging out with my little my heart was uplifted. We had such a fun time getting to know each other better.
When we got back everyone else was just getting out of school, so I was on coverage the rest of the afternoon. Then, after dinner we had House Night and played the game Bigger and Better. This game is played basically like this: each team starts out with a penny and we go to people's houses and ask if they would like to trade us anything for the penny. My team started at a staff member's house and got a trike (their little girl would be getting a new bike on Sunday). Then we went to my mentor's house and got an area rug. We went to their neighbor's house and even though he didn't want to trade for the area rug, he did give us some tomatoes from his garden. :) After a few unfruitful stops we finally went to the other big's mentor's house and was able to trade the rug for a Christmas Tree. At this point it was time to return, so when we got back we found out we had the biggest and best item, and my team won the game! Our prize was we got to eat the brownies and ice cream first before everyone else...
I went to sleep shortly after we got back and needed it after such a long day.
Spiritually I am doing better in some ways, still under attack by lies in other areas. I feel more at peace and the joy has returned. However, I still feel somewhat burdened, and I also am really struggling with the people here. I really feel lonely and unsupported here by the other bigs. I get the vibe from them that they want me to just get over this funk, and I also constantly get the vibe that they do not like how I lead here and interact with the girls. I am not their counselor, their parents, or their friend per se, but I do love them and want to spend time with them to get to know them. I give out consequences, and I listen when they need to vent. I do not think I need to be more of an authority here, nor less of one. Maybe some things need to change, but if they don't tell me what they are upset with then I am not gonna try to guess.
I honestly believe that real, honest, healthy community doesn't exist. In this broken and fallen world it can't. And this place is just one more example of failed relationships and community. We just make due and get by until we can get out. I've tried asking for help and seeking counsel and support from people here, but now they ignore me like the plague - guess my shit is just too much for them...
I really just want to return to my normal state and just keep everyone at bay b/c it just doesn't hurt as bad. It is safe and just fine for me. I can be the loner and be lonely. B/c in that situation I am left with no one but God, so I automatically go to Him rather than people when I need help or love. This is good for me. I have lived this way for years, I can remain this way no problem. And I am not going to ask for help; I will not mope around and seek pity. I will not work my ass off to build relationships that will never last anyway. It just isn't worth the hard work and time. By God's grace alone I can get by until the day real community will exist.
I just want to be where my Beloved is...
Then, yesterday I was up at 6:00 to go to the kitchen to make breakfast - french toast - and then after cleanup I went to classes. At noon I went back to the kitchen to help with lunch prep.
One of our HD's on Thursday gave me a coupon for $5 off at Mongolian Barbeque, so I decided to take one of my littles out for lunch on Friday to use it. However, this amazing opportunity to get to know one of my girls better was incredibly hard to make happen. I tried to find someone to switch lunch kitchen duties with, but all the girls had stuff going on or just didn't want to switch and the guys couldn't because one of the guys was off, one was already scheduled for kitchen duty and the other guys had to be on coverage for lunch. I even asked the intern if he would do me a huge favor and work kitchen for me, but he also had to be on coverage, but he agreed to take my place after the kids went back to school. So, thankfully, after the rest of the kids returned to school, me and my little went to lunch! Oh yeah, this was also after I got a lecture from another girl big on how I needed to plan these things ahead of time (I couldn't b/c I had just gotten the coupon and idea) and that this particular girl was already getting special treatment, which from my point of view, she was getting the shaft around here b/c of all the level ones and twos. Anyway, I left somewhat upset with everyone, but after hanging out with my little my heart was uplifted. We had such a fun time getting to know each other better.
When we got back everyone else was just getting out of school, so I was on coverage the rest of the afternoon. Then, after dinner we had House Night and played the game Bigger and Better. This game is played basically like this: each team starts out with a penny and we go to people's houses and ask if they would like to trade us anything for the penny. My team started at a staff member's house and got a trike (their little girl would be getting a new bike on Sunday). Then we went to my mentor's house and got an area rug. We went to their neighbor's house and even though he didn't want to trade for the area rug, he did give us some tomatoes from his garden. :) After a few unfruitful stops we finally went to the other big's mentor's house and was able to trade the rug for a Christmas Tree. At this point it was time to return, so when we got back we found out we had the biggest and best item, and my team won the game! Our prize was we got to eat the brownies and ice cream first before everyone else...
I went to sleep shortly after we got back and needed it after such a long day.
Spiritually I am doing better in some ways, still under attack by lies in other areas. I feel more at peace and the joy has returned. However, I still feel somewhat burdened, and I also am really struggling with the people here. I really feel lonely and unsupported here by the other bigs. I get the vibe from them that they want me to just get over this funk, and I also constantly get the vibe that they do not like how I lead here and interact with the girls. I am not their counselor, their parents, or their friend per se, but I do love them and want to spend time with them to get to know them. I give out consequences, and I listen when they need to vent. I do not think I need to be more of an authority here, nor less of one. Maybe some things need to change, but if they don't tell me what they are upset with then I am not gonna try to guess.
I honestly believe that real, honest, healthy community doesn't exist. In this broken and fallen world it can't. And this place is just one more example of failed relationships and community. We just make due and get by until we can get out. I've tried asking for help and seeking counsel and support from people here, but now they ignore me like the plague - guess my shit is just too much for them...
I really just want to return to my normal state and just keep everyone at bay b/c it just doesn't hurt as bad. It is safe and just fine for me. I can be the loner and be lonely. B/c in that situation I am left with no one but God, so I automatically go to Him rather than people when I need help or love. This is good for me. I have lived this way for years, I can remain this way no problem. And I am not going to ask for help; I will not mope around and seek pity. I will not work my ass off to build relationships that will never last anyway. It just isn't worth the hard work and time. By God's grace alone I can get by until the day real community will exist.
I just want to be where my Beloved is...
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)