Two Month Anniversary

Well, I think the honeymoon is officially over now. The warm fuzzies have been buried and the grit of working with these kids has set in hard and heavy. In the two months I have been here we have had two kids attempt to run away, found out one girl was cutting using a tape dispenser, and have been in multiple tense moments with the other bigs. Yep, no warm fuzzy feelings anymore...

But I still would not trade my time here for anything in the world. I love these kids I work with and am so glad to know each of them. They all have their quirks and get on my nerves from time to time, but I recognize the hurting underneath the thick-skinned facade, and I really just want to love on these kids so much.

The past couple weeks have been difficult emotionally and spiritually for me. I have struggled a lot with relationships here and a part of me wants to build more solid relationships with the other girl bigs especially, but another, larger, part of me is thinking ahead to next fall when we all leave here and go our separate ways. I know this kind of thinking has destroyed friendships in my life before and in a way they become self-fulfilled prophecy, but even when I try to maintain relationships over distances and differing experiences, they still fade away. It sucks, but it makes me afraid to even try to deepen anything now.

So, I don't know what to do. I don't know how much to offer of myself. I don't know how much to seek others out. I think too much...

I want to have real friendships that will last until we are old and gray, but I don't know if I am capable of having that kind of relationship with anyone. I don't even know if anyone wants to be that close to me anyway.

There are so many lies that are so easy to believe. And there are so many lies that are are enhanced by situations and conflicts here. So, God has some work to do to remove the lies and spread the Truth in my heart and mind. But I still have 10 months here, and I know He still has so much to teach me and change in me.