People, people, everywhere, and no one to talk to...

Another weekend here at the Wood. Still on breakfast-kitchen duty this week, so I got to wake up early yesterday and this morning. I don't mind it, I actually needed to be in the kitchen yesterday since I was having a weird/bad day. I had some dreams that were really realistic and included someone I didn't want to be in my dreams, so I woke up angry that I had had those dreams. Oh well, the things we can't control...

I got what I thought would be a blessing yesterday as well. I didn't have to do a hard-core work project, instead I got to go drop off recycling and then go to Wal-Mart to pick up requests for the kids. It ended up being a lot longer process than I wanted it to be. Trying to buy stuff for people is hard when they give you so little description of what they need. But it was still nice to be inside instead of out in the cold fall air.

Last night was room night, and we stayed here on property and made grilled cheese sandwiches, tomato soup, brownies, and lemon cake. They were all super yummy. The extra cake and brownies we took to the guys' house and fed the boys. :) It was healthier for us, and it was a nice gesture by the girl littles in my room. Then we came back here and watched Mulan. After that we went to the weight room to work out, but the girls found one of the other staff's phone and began texting people with it (bear in mind this was the idea of another big) Since I really didn't think they should be doing that I left and hung out in my room til they got back and were bored with texting. Then we played Uno until bedtime. All in all it was a great room night. I just wish I had been in a better mood for all of it.

I really feel so alone here as of late. I think a large part of it is spiritual attack, but another big part is the cold shoulders I feel from the other bigs at times. It seems like the majority of them all have another big they spend time with talking and growing closer too. I really don't feel like anyone seeks me out here to get to know me better, and every time I try to get together with one of the girls here they have something better they need to be doing or they just don't want to talk about the things I need to talk about. It seems like all I have been doing the past few days is being 5-foot restricted to one of the littles. Other than my co-big, no one ever offers to be with her at all. I love her to death, but I cannot be around her 24-7 and remain sane. I need to escape for a while, but no one ever seems willing to relieve me.

I know I need to fight for community here, but I am beginning to wonder (again) if this is the kind of community I really even want to be a part of. We all need to pursue the company of each other. That isn't happening. I have spent my whole life having to get by alone with the exception of God. People are just way too fickle and mean. We are all hurting and hurting others. I know I do the same to the other bigs here, so I might just as well keep to myself and do them all a favor, and then I won't get hurt by them either. I know that is not the way God wants it, but I am not capable of reaching out right now, when all my time is spent trying to keep track of littles.

They say the point of our time here is to grow in our faith, but the reality is that all the pressure I feel here is to watch and build relationships with the littles. That is great, but if that isn't the point, then why are we pushed to do that more than anything else? How come I can never find time to just spend with God and grow closer to Him? I never get breaks here, and even on my day off I have a million things to get done that I can't do any other time, so I end up not getting any rest or time with God. I think they are lying to me about the purpose of our time here. I think they really just needed cheap labor to babysit these kids. I know that isn't true, but it really feels like it.

I know my attitude is bad right now, but I need to release this tension somehow, and since I have no one to talk to about it all, well... I guess I blog....