Empty

So, in the past few days I have been faced with my perpetual feelings of loneliness, isolation and rejection. I honestly feel like I have nothing to offer and that no one wants any part of me anyway.

Last night I was sitting, awaiting bedtime, just by myself, and across the yard I saw the guy I like here. It made me sad to know that, just like always, he wouldn't want me or care about me in that way. One of the girls came over and sat with me and starting asking me questions and through our dialogue (between sobs and tears) I came to realize that I desire a relationship with a guy b/c I want a good relationship in general. But b/c I am so afraid of getting close to people I push them away and all my relationships (it seems like) end up badly or I at least expect current friendships to fail eventually anyway.

I came to the conclusion that relationships are not worth the risk because we are all broken and even in the best relationship I will get hurt. So if I am going to hurt whether I am in a relationship or not it is just better to not take the risk of loving and losing. Being alone is at least consistent and I don't have to wonder when the hurt is going to come.

I am just so tired of the pain and hurt that haunts me every day. I have such deep pain in my heart. Last night as I sat with a couple of the bigs here I cried for like half an hour, and there was no point. All I did was hurt. I want the pain to go away, but it never will in this lifetime. That just isn't much of a hopeful life - knowing that no matter what healing (if any) takes place in my life, there will always be more pain to replace it. So I might just as well remain alone and maintain the same pain I have always felt - at least it is familiar - rather than take the risks with people and experience new hurt.

Yes, rejection hurts, but betrayal hurts more. Yes, loneliness hurts, but putting your heart out there and having someone rip it up hurts more.

I just feel so empty right now. I have nothing left inside of me to offer anyone except brokenness and pain. There is no joy left, no love, no contentment, no beauty. It is all broken and bloody and dirty and shredded. How could anyone actually want to be with me and form a friendship with me when I obviously have so little to offer? The answer is - no one does.

So, the question remains, how do I stay here and try to love on these girls when I don't have anything to give them. How do I stay here and try to bear responsibility when it only drains me more and more?

We have so much responsibility here and so much rests on our shoulders. We get 12 hours of our own time every week when we are not on call, and then when we say we need more time to "get away" to spend time in solitude, we are lectured that we just need to manage our time more wisely. Give me a break! This from the people who work from 8-4 Monday thru Friday and have weekends off. They don't live with the teens and have to constantly be inundated with all the crap from their own lives. I am really getting sick of them telling me to manage my time better. I think I will punch the next person who tells us that. Then they say things like, "well, you volunteered to be here". The next time they say that - I am gonna go pack my bags and leave b/c since I chose to be here, I can choose to leave and spend my time more wisely somewhere else. This is ridiculous. I love these girls, but I also need time alone (more than we are given) to rejuvenate and deal with my own sh*t.

All that to say: I am empty and zombie-like right now. There is nothing left in me to offer. Everything left needs to be fixed, and the depth of this pain seems to me to be way beyond what anyone can heal. No one understands why I hurt so deeply, and I am tired of the cliche answers and advice they prescribe.

So strop trying to fix things and just let God do His thing. I am angry at Him, but I trust Him to do something to get me through. My whole life exists on His grace, so all I can do is wait til He does something. I hate it; I hate having to wait for Him to choose to help me; I hate that I have to live here on this earth with so much hurt and pain before I can get to Heaven to experience no more pain. Finally, I hate that there is nothing I can do about it; well, there is something I could do to end this pain, but I really don't want to go down that road again...