Standing

Today, I woke up drained and defeated once again. What a great way to start a day. :*( I felt completely beat down without any strength left to stand and fight for myself. All I could do was weakly ask God to send someone to fight for me. Finally, at lunchtime I sat with a couple of the other bigs and they entered the pain with me for a while and prayed for me. It was nice, but nearly enough.

Is it selfish to always want people to pray for and with you? I can't decide. I know my deep need for others to fight on my behalf and especially now my utter inability to fight for myself. I feel God close by, but His voice is being drowned out by my pain and Satan's lies. So, I hold on by a thread and wait for the pain to pass. Because I know it will eventually. I have been in this place of numbness and weakness before. God always gets me out, but it takes a while. I just feel like here it takes a lot longer b/c I cannot get away to deal with my stuff. I have to maintain my responsibility to the girls and to the program.

Tonight I worked in the kitchen again for dinner. I kept to myself most of the night, but I got a hearty laugh in when one of the girls put way too much cayenne pepper on the chicken. We were supposed to have Cajun Chicken, but we ended up having Smokin' Hot Chicken! :) When she told us what she had done (and we were watching the others eat it and gulp down huge glasses of water and milk) I just let loose a loud laugh. It felt good to enjoy that moment.

I am so glad for the small things in life that can bring pleasure in the midst of a seemingly hopeless situation. God is truly good. I think tomorrow will be better, but for now, I really just still feel numb and run-down. I also feel like a drain on the others here. My withdrawal and pain has for sure affected the others here, bigs and littles alike. I hate that, but honestly there is little I can do about it right now.

Hopefully tomorrow God will grant some small glimpses of light and joy again that can help me remember His presence and love more. And I hope those things can continue to lift me out of this pit I seem to have fallen in.

There are just so many things I need to figure out in my life. Not sure if and when they will get addressed, but it sure won't be today. I just hope the same things won't continue to be used by Satan to overwhelm and wound me. All I can do for now is pray for God to send His angels of protection to surround me until I can stand again.

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm... praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. ~Ephesians 6:10-13, 18