Community or Avoidant Activity?

It is amazing how much activity one can fit into such a small amount of time. The end of this week has been crazy busy (as always - when will I get over that fact?) On Thursday we inspected the buildings and wrote down all the work that needed to be done on each - what a list! Then, we helped two of the staff here move their offices to new rooms. The rest of the evening was spent watching two girls on computers, writing horror stories for their English class. What an interesting assignment...

Then, yesterday I was up at 6:00 to go to the kitchen to make breakfast - french toast - and then after cleanup I went to classes. At noon I went back to the kitchen to help with lunch prep.

One of our HD's on Thursday gave me a coupon for $5 off at Mongolian Barbeque, so I decided to take one of my littles out for lunch on Friday to use it. However, this amazing opportunity to get to know one of my girls better was incredibly hard to make happen. I tried to find someone to switch lunch kitchen duties with, but all the girls had stuff going on or just didn't want to switch and the guys couldn't because one of the guys was off, one was already scheduled for kitchen duty and the other guys had to be on coverage for lunch. I even asked the intern if he would do me a huge favor and work kitchen for me, but he also had to be on coverage, but he agreed to take my place after the kids went back to school. So, thankfully, after the rest of the kids returned to school, me and my little went to lunch! Oh yeah, this was also after I got a lecture from another girl big on how I needed to plan these things ahead of time (I couldn't b/c I had just gotten the coupon and idea) and that this particular girl was already getting special treatment, which from my point of view, she was getting the shaft around here b/c of all the level ones and twos. Anyway, I left somewhat upset with everyone, but after hanging out with my little my heart was uplifted. We had such a fun time getting to know each other better.

When we got back everyone else was just getting out of school, so I was on coverage the rest of the afternoon. Then, after dinner we had House Night and played the game Bigger and Better. This game is played basically like this: each team starts out with a penny and we go to people's houses and ask if they would like to trade us anything for the penny. My team started at a staff member's house and got a trike (their little girl would be getting a new bike on Sunday). Then we went to my mentor's house and got an area rug. We went to their neighbor's house and even though he didn't want to trade for the area rug, he did give us some tomatoes from his garden. :) After a few unfruitful stops we finally went to the other big's mentor's house and was able to trade the rug for a Christmas Tree. At this point it was time to return, so when we got back we found out we had the biggest and best item, and my team won the game! Our prize was we got to eat the brownies and ice cream first before everyone else...

I went to sleep shortly after we got back and needed it after such a long day.

Spiritually I am doing better in some ways, still under attack by lies in other areas. I feel more at peace and the joy has returned. However, I still feel somewhat burdened, and I also am really struggling with the people here. I really feel lonely and unsupported here by the other bigs. I get the vibe from them that they want me to just get over this funk, and I also constantly get the vibe that they do not like how I lead here and interact with the girls. I am not their counselor, their parents, or their friend per se, but I do love them and want to spend time with them to get to know them. I give out consequences, and I listen when they need to vent. I do not think I need to be more of an authority here, nor less of one. Maybe some things need to change, but if they don't tell me what they are upset with then I am not gonna try to guess.

I honestly believe that real, honest, healthy community doesn't exist. In this broken and fallen world it can't. And this place is just one more example of failed relationships and community. We just make due and get by until we can get out. I've tried asking for help and seeking counsel and support from people here, but now they ignore me like the plague - guess my shit is just too much for them...

I really just want to return to my normal state and just keep everyone at bay b/c it just doesn't hurt as bad. It is safe and just fine for me. I can be the loner and be lonely. B/c in that situation I am left with no one but God, so I automatically go to Him rather than people when I need help or love. This is good for me. I have lived this way for years, I can remain this way no problem. And I am not going to ask for help; I will not mope around and seek pity. I will not work my ass off to build relationships that will never last anyway. It just isn't worth the hard work and time. By God's grace alone I can get by until the day real community will exist.

I just want to be where my Beloved is...