Wow, what a week. Wednesday was a crazy and emotional day here. One of the girls had a really rough day with some serious things, and it really hit me hard. I was strong during all the chaos, but that night I was a wreck. I was so overwhelmed that I couldn't even talk about what was going on in my heart. On Thursday we had a Day of Prayer and we were given an hour and a half of solitude and silence to listen to God. I spent that time praying, journaling, crying, and allowing God to remove the heaviness in my heart. I needed to be comforted because I was so broken for these girls - all of them.
I was so thankful to God though, before all the chaos went down I had had time alone to sleep and pray. Then, during our time of prayer He really comforted me, and I just felt Him sitting next to me on the bed with His hand on my shoulder, crying with me. He really lifted the burden and helped me through the brokenness of that whole situation. Later on Thursday I was able to meet with my LeadTime Director, Jenny, and we talked about how I build walls to keep people out and how I come across as intimidating a lot of the time. I don't want to do that, but I also know I do it to keep myself protected from being hurt. The less people I really involve in my life and allow to call me out, the safer I am. I mean, I know the pain of great loss, and I would rather push people away than get to know them well and then lose that relationship. We talked a lot about those fears and my responses to others, as well as how I can begin breaking down those walls to begin building better relationships. I realize it will be oober hard, but I really want to step out from behind the facade to be myself with others without fear.
I have shed tears like a baby a lot these past couple days, but it has been good. I am glad I am in a safe environment to do that. God has been so good, and I know in this next year a lot of things will change in my heart. It will be hard and painful, but I am ready to be different. I hate hiding. I want to be myself.
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