To Be a Woman of God...

So, I just finished this book I received as a gift a few months ago titled "Have I Kissed Dating Goodbye?" by Carolyn McCulley. When I got it I was like, "ok... why am I supposed to read this?" But as I got further and further into the book I realized more and more how I needed to hear what she had to say.

Usually I will highlight a lot of ideas that impact me in books like this, but in this particular book, few things are highlighted, but what is are things that hit me really hard and I am still thinking through.

The first thing was "[Women] are designed by God to be helpers and to make men successful." This is a real slap in the face to those who think women need to be equal to men and have all the same responsibilities and experiences. Eve was created to help Adam be his best, not to be a competitor to him. I loved that she had the guts to write these words, and it changed my perspective towards the men in my life: co-workers, bosses, leaders, pastors, my dad, my brother, etc. I am still wondering what that will look like to make them successful. What exactly do I need to do to accomplish this?

Another thing that hit me strongly was when she was discussing physical beauty. Sentences like "we are asking Christian men to commit themselves to be faithful to one woman for the rest of their lives. Wouldn't it bless them if we were the best we could be, both spiritually and physically?", "men notice beauty" and "women should want to be attractive, especially to their husbands... we should strive to care for our appearance" really woke me up.

I am not a shabby dresser, I try to look presentable and nice, but I don't put hours into getting ready every day. I rarely wear makeup and I don't dress up too often. I have always thought that a man needs to be attracted to my inner beauty rather than my outer beauty, but after reading what Carolyn had to say I realized I need to strive to be beautiful in all ways because that is a main thing I have to offer to the world - beauty, in all its forms. Therefore, I need to take care of myself better, which includes exercising more regularly, eating more healthy foods and dressing up more often. :)

One final thing that really struck me as I read this book was her discussion of the quiet and gentle spirit that Peter refers to in his letters. For the past four or five years I have been mulling over this verse and asking God to make me into a woman with a quiet and gentle spirit. I have come a long way, but I still need some work. What she had to say hit me right in the gut and made me realize just how far I still have left to go.

"A woman who is quiet and gentle is not contorted by stress, anger, or impatience. Her laughter, and not her frowning, is etched in the lines of her face. There is no turbulence in her air space from her agitation and distrust. She's not wound so tight that she vibrates with irritation and anxiety... She trusts the Lord."

Ouch... what big shoes to fill. I frown more than I laugh, I am agitated and agitate people more than I am calm and soothing. I am wound tight most of the time. It sucks, but I still need so much change to happen in my heart before I can be considered a quiet and gentle woman.

There were many other things in this book that affected me greatly, but those were the most impacting. I am grateful to have had this book placed in my hands. I thank the person who gave it to me. I have realized a lot about myself and I have grown a lot more comfortable with my singleness than I ever was before. For this I am grateful and at peace with. Yay! :) God is good!

Two Month Anniversary

Well, I think the honeymoon is officially over now. The warm fuzzies have been buried and the grit of working with these kids has set in hard and heavy. In the two months I have been here we have had two kids attempt to run away, found out one girl was cutting using a tape dispenser, and have been in multiple tense moments with the other bigs. Yep, no warm fuzzy feelings anymore...

But I still would not trade my time here for anything in the world. I love these kids I work with and am so glad to know each of them. They all have their quirks and get on my nerves from time to time, but I recognize the hurting underneath the thick-skinned facade, and I really just want to love on these kids so much.

The past couple weeks have been difficult emotionally and spiritually for me. I have struggled a lot with relationships here and a part of me wants to build more solid relationships with the other girl bigs especially, but another, larger, part of me is thinking ahead to next fall when we all leave here and go our separate ways. I know this kind of thinking has destroyed friendships in my life before and in a way they become self-fulfilled prophecy, but even when I try to maintain relationships over distances and differing experiences, they still fade away. It sucks, but it makes me afraid to even try to deepen anything now.

So, I don't know what to do. I don't know how much to offer of myself. I don't know how much to seek others out. I think too much...

I want to have real friendships that will last until we are old and gray, but I don't know if I am capable of having that kind of relationship with anyone. I don't even know if anyone wants to be that close to me anyway.

There are so many lies that are so easy to believe. And there are so many lies that are are enhanced by situations and conflicts here. So, God has some work to do to remove the lies and spread the Truth in my heart and mind. But I still have 10 months here, and I know He still has so much to teach me and change in me.

Community or Avoidant Activity?

It is amazing how much activity one can fit into such a small amount of time. The end of this week has been crazy busy (as always - when will I get over that fact?) On Thursday we inspected the buildings and wrote down all the work that needed to be done on each - what a list! Then, we helped two of the staff here move their offices to new rooms. The rest of the evening was spent watching two girls on computers, writing horror stories for their English class. What an interesting assignment...

Then, yesterday I was up at 6:00 to go to the kitchen to make breakfast - french toast - and then after cleanup I went to classes. At noon I went back to the kitchen to help with lunch prep.

One of our HD's on Thursday gave me a coupon for $5 off at Mongolian Barbeque, so I decided to take one of my littles out for lunch on Friday to use it. However, this amazing opportunity to get to know one of my girls better was incredibly hard to make happen. I tried to find someone to switch lunch kitchen duties with, but all the girls had stuff going on or just didn't want to switch and the guys couldn't because one of the guys was off, one was already scheduled for kitchen duty and the other guys had to be on coverage for lunch. I even asked the intern if he would do me a huge favor and work kitchen for me, but he also had to be on coverage, but he agreed to take my place after the kids went back to school. So, thankfully, after the rest of the kids returned to school, me and my little went to lunch! Oh yeah, this was also after I got a lecture from another girl big on how I needed to plan these things ahead of time (I couldn't b/c I had just gotten the coupon and idea) and that this particular girl was already getting special treatment, which from my point of view, she was getting the shaft around here b/c of all the level ones and twos. Anyway, I left somewhat upset with everyone, but after hanging out with my little my heart was uplifted. We had such a fun time getting to know each other better.

When we got back everyone else was just getting out of school, so I was on coverage the rest of the afternoon. Then, after dinner we had House Night and played the game Bigger and Better. This game is played basically like this: each team starts out with a penny and we go to people's houses and ask if they would like to trade us anything for the penny. My team started at a staff member's house and got a trike (their little girl would be getting a new bike on Sunday). Then we went to my mentor's house and got an area rug. We went to their neighbor's house and even though he didn't want to trade for the area rug, he did give us some tomatoes from his garden. :) After a few unfruitful stops we finally went to the other big's mentor's house and was able to trade the rug for a Christmas Tree. At this point it was time to return, so when we got back we found out we had the biggest and best item, and my team won the game! Our prize was we got to eat the brownies and ice cream first before everyone else...

I went to sleep shortly after we got back and needed it after such a long day.

Spiritually I am doing better in some ways, still under attack by lies in other areas. I feel more at peace and the joy has returned. However, I still feel somewhat burdened, and I also am really struggling with the people here. I really feel lonely and unsupported here by the other bigs. I get the vibe from them that they want me to just get over this funk, and I also constantly get the vibe that they do not like how I lead here and interact with the girls. I am not their counselor, their parents, or their friend per se, but I do love them and want to spend time with them to get to know them. I give out consequences, and I listen when they need to vent. I do not think I need to be more of an authority here, nor less of one. Maybe some things need to change, but if they don't tell me what they are upset with then I am not gonna try to guess.

I honestly believe that real, honest, healthy community doesn't exist. In this broken and fallen world it can't. And this place is just one more example of failed relationships and community. We just make due and get by until we can get out. I've tried asking for help and seeking counsel and support from people here, but now they ignore me like the plague - guess my shit is just too much for them...

I really just want to return to my normal state and just keep everyone at bay b/c it just doesn't hurt as bad. It is safe and just fine for me. I can be the loner and be lonely. B/c in that situation I am left with no one but God, so I automatically go to Him rather than people when I need help or love. This is good for me. I have lived this way for years, I can remain this way no problem. And I am not going to ask for help; I will not mope around and seek pity. I will not work my ass off to build relationships that will never last anyway. It just isn't worth the hard work and time. By God's grace alone I can get by until the day real community will exist.

I just want to be where my Beloved is...

Standing

Today, I woke up drained and defeated once again. What a great way to start a day. :*( I felt completely beat down without any strength left to stand and fight for myself. All I could do was weakly ask God to send someone to fight for me. Finally, at lunchtime I sat with a couple of the other bigs and they entered the pain with me for a while and prayed for me. It was nice, but nearly enough.

Is it selfish to always want people to pray for and with you? I can't decide. I know my deep need for others to fight on my behalf and especially now my utter inability to fight for myself. I feel God close by, but His voice is being drowned out by my pain and Satan's lies. So, I hold on by a thread and wait for the pain to pass. Because I know it will eventually. I have been in this place of numbness and weakness before. God always gets me out, but it takes a while. I just feel like here it takes a lot longer b/c I cannot get away to deal with my stuff. I have to maintain my responsibility to the girls and to the program.

Tonight I worked in the kitchen again for dinner. I kept to myself most of the night, but I got a hearty laugh in when one of the girls put way too much cayenne pepper on the chicken. We were supposed to have Cajun Chicken, but we ended up having Smokin' Hot Chicken! :) When she told us what she had done (and we were watching the others eat it and gulp down huge glasses of water and milk) I just let loose a loud laugh. It felt good to enjoy that moment.

I am so glad for the small things in life that can bring pleasure in the midst of a seemingly hopeless situation. God is truly good. I think tomorrow will be better, but for now, I really just still feel numb and run-down. I also feel like a drain on the others here. My withdrawal and pain has for sure affected the others here, bigs and littles alike. I hate that, but honestly there is little I can do about it right now.

Hopefully tomorrow God will grant some small glimpses of light and joy again that can help me remember His presence and love more. And I hope those things can continue to lift me out of this pit I seem to have fallen in.

There are just so many things I need to figure out in my life. Not sure if and when they will get addressed, but it sure won't be today. I just hope the same things won't continue to be used by Satan to overwhelm and wound me. All I can do for now is pray for God to send His angels of protection to surround me until I can stand again.

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm... praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. ~Ephesians 6:10-13, 18

Empty

So, in the past few days I have been faced with my perpetual feelings of loneliness, isolation and rejection. I honestly feel like I have nothing to offer and that no one wants any part of me anyway.

Last night I was sitting, awaiting bedtime, just by myself, and across the yard I saw the guy I like here. It made me sad to know that, just like always, he wouldn't want me or care about me in that way. One of the girls came over and sat with me and starting asking me questions and through our dialogue (between sobs and tears) I came to realize that I desire a relationship with a guy b/c I want a good relationship in general. But b/c I am so afraid of getting close to people I push them away and all my relationships (it seems like) end up badly or I at least expect current friendships to fail eventually anyway.

I came to the conclusion that relationships are not worth the risk because we are all broken and even in the best relationship I will get hurt. So if I am going to hurt whether I am in a relationship or not it is just better to not take the risk of loving and losing. Being alone is at least consistent and I don't have to wonder when the hurt is going to come.

I am just so tired of the pain and hurt that haunts me every day. I have such deep pain in my heart. Last night as I sat with a couple of the bigs here I cried for like half an hour, and there was no point. All I did was hurt. I want the pain to go away, but it never will in this lifetime. That just isn't much of a hopeful life - knowing that no matter what healing (if any) takes place in my life, there will always be more pain to replace it. So I might just as well remain alone and maintain the same pain I have always felt - at least it is familiar - rather than take the risks with people and experience new hurt.

Yes, rejection hurts, but betrayal hurts more. Yes, loneliness hurts, but putting your heart out there and having someone rip it up hurts more.

I just feel so empty right now. I have nothing left inside of me to offer anyone except brokenness and pain. There is no joy left, no love, no contentment, no beauty. It is all broken and bloody and dirty and shredded. How could anyone actually want to be with me and form a friendship with me when I obviously have so little to offer? The answer is - no one does.

So, the question remains, how do I stay here and try to love on these girls when I don't have anything to give them. How do I stay here and try to bear responsibility when it only drains me more and more?

We have so much responsibility here and so much rests on our shoulders. We get 12 hours of our own time every week when we are not on call, and then when we say we need more time to "get away" to spend time in solitude, we are lectured that we just need to manage our time more wisely. Give me a break! This from the people who work from 8-4 Monday thru Friday and have weekends off. They don't live with the teens and have to constantly be inundated with all the crap from their own lives. I am really getting sick of them telling me to manage my time better. I think I will punch the next person who tells us that. Then they say things like, "well, you volunteered to be here". The next time they say that - I am gonna go pack my bags and leave b/c since I chose to be here, I can choose to leave and spend my time more wisely somewhere else. This is ridiculous. I love these girls, but I also need time alone (more than we are given) to rejuvenate and deal with my own sh*t.

All that to say: I am empty and zombie-like right now. There is nothing left in me to offer. Everything left needs to be fixed, and the depth of this pain seems to me to be way beyond what anyone can heal. No one understands why I hurt so deeply, and I am tired of the cliche answers and advice they prescribe.

So strop trying to fix things and just let God do His thing. I am angry at Him, but I trust Him to do something to get me through. My whole life exists on His grace, so all I can do is wait til He does something. I hate it; I hate having to wait for Him to choose to help me; I hate that I have to live here on this earth with so much hurt and pain before I can get to Heaven to experience no more pain. Finally, I hate that there is nothing I can do about it; well, there is something I could do to end this pain, but I really don't want to go down that road again...

People, people, everywhere, and no one to talk to...

Another weekend here at the Wood. Still on breakfast-kitchen duty this week, so I got to wake up early yesterday and this morning. I don't mind it, I actually needed to be in the kitchen yesterday since I was having a weird/bad day. I had some dreams that were really realistic and included someone I didn't want to be in my dreams, so I woke up angry that I had had those dreams. Oh well, the things we can't control...

I got what I thought would be a blessing yesterday as well. I didn't have to do a hard-core work project, instead I got to go drop off recycling and then go to Wal-Mart to pick up requests for the kids. It ended up being a lot longer process than I wanted it to be. Trying to buy stuff for people is hard when they give you so little description of what they need. But it was still nice to be inside instead of out in the cold fall air.

Last night was room night, and we stayed here on property and made grilled cheese sandwiches, tomato soup, brownies, and lemon cake. They were all super yummy. The extra cake and brownies we took to the guys' house and fed the boys. :) It was healthier for us, and it was a nice gesture by the girl littles in my room. Then we came back here and watched Mulan. After that we went to the weight room to work out, but the girls found one of the other staff's phone and began texting people with it (bear in mind this was the idea of another big) Since I really didn't think they should be doing that I left and hung out in my room til they got back and were bored with texting. Then we played Uno until bedtime. All in all it was a great room night. I just wish I had been in a better mood for all of it.

I really feel so alone here as of late. I think a large part of it is spiritual attack, but another big part is the cold shoulders I feel from the other bigs at times. It seems like the majority of them all have another big they spend time with talking and growing closer too. I really don't feel like anyone seeks me out here to get to know me better, and every time I try to get together with one of the girls here they have something better they need to be doing or they just don't want to talk about the things I need to talk about. It seems like all I have been doing the past few days is being 5-foot restricted to one of the littles. Other than my co-big, no one ever offers to be with her at all. I love her to death, but I cannot be around her 24-7 and remain sane. I need to escape for a while, but no one ever seems willing to relieve me.

I know I need to fight for community here, but I am beginning to wonder (again) if this is the kind of community I really even want to be a part of. We all need to pursue the company of each other. That isn't happening. I have spent my whole life having to get by alone with the exception of God. People are just way too fickle and mean. We are all hurting and hurting others. I know I do the same to the other bigs here, so I might just as well keep to myself and do them all a favor, and then I won't get hurt by them either. I know that is not the way God wants it, but I am not capable of reaching out right now, when all my time is spent trying to keep track of littles.

They say the point of our time here is to grow in our faith, but the reality is that all the pressure I feel here is to watch and build relationships with the littles. That is great, but if that isn't the point, then why are we pushed to do that more than anything else? How come I can never find time to just spend with God and grow closer to Him? I never get breaks here, and even on my day off I have a million things to get done that I can't do any other time, so I end up not getting any rest or time with God. I think they are lying to me about the purpose of our time here. I think they really just needed cheap labor to babysit these kids. I know that isn't true, but it really feels like it.

I know my attitude is bad right now, but I need to release this tension somehow, and since I have no one to talk to about it all, well... I guess I blog....

Chaos and Tears

Wow, what a week. Wednesday was a crazy and emotional day here. One of the girls had a really rough day with some serious things, and it really hit me hard. I was strong during all the chaos, but that night I was a wreck. I was so overwhelmed that I couldn't even talk about what was going on in my heart. On Thursday we had a Day of Prayer and we were given an hour and a half of solitude and silence to listen to God. I spent that time praying, journaling, crying, and allowing God to remove the heaviness in my heart. I needed to be comforted because I was so broken for these girls - all of them.

I was so thankful to God though, before all the chaos went down I had had time alone to sleep and pray. Then, during our time of prayer He really comforted me, and I just felt Him sitting next to me on the bed with His hand on my shoulder, crying with me. He really lifted the burden and helped me through the brokenness of that whole situation. Later on Thursday I was able to meet with my LeadTime Director, Jenny, and we talked about how I build walls to keep people out and how I come across as intimidating a lot of the time. I don't want to do that, but I also know I do it to keep myself protected from being hurt. The less people I really involve in my life and allow to call me out, the safer I am. I mean, I know the pain of great loss, and I would rather push people away than get to know them well and then lose that relationship. We talked a lot about those fears and my responses to others, as well as how I can begin breaking down those walls to begin building better relationships. I realize it will be oober hard, but I really want to step out from behind the facade to be myself with others without fear.

I have shed tears like a baby a lot these past couple days, but it has been good. I am glad I am in a safe environment to do that. God has been so good, and I know in this next year a lot of things will change in my heart. It will be hard and painful, but I am ready to be different. I hate hiding. I want to be myself.

Car Keys and Stress

Another beautiful fall week has begun. The trees are beginning to change color and all the girls are wearing tye-dye. That's right - I haven't made tye-dye since I was, like, ten, and now in the past month and a half I have made two shirts (well, 3, but I gave one away to another big). It is so much fun, and it is so cool to show solidarity on Tuesdays. It also gives me a great excuse to wear hoop earrings and my green hat. :) I'm cool, I know.

Yesterday our classes consisted of Perspectives and Discipleship groups. In the perspectives class we discussed how we view evangelism and the Great Commission. We talked of methods and how we can need to change our paradigm to make our goal "to make disciples". Following that class we got into our D-groups and worked through the first chapter of Leadership Essentials. Not the most amazing book I've ever read, but it is good to discuss different aspects of leaders.

The rest of the day I was off, but unfortunately my day off becomes more stressful than normal days. I have a list a dozen people long that I try to call each Monday, and maybe only half of them do I actually get a hold of. Then, I meet with my mentor for coffee at 5:30 and then go to her house for community group after that. In the community group we are going through a study of The Prodigal God by Timothy Keller. We just started the video last night, but it was really good. He speaks of the story of the prodigal son, but he brings so much out that we had never really thought of before that. It is good to get to know some of the people from the church I am attending here better too.

And, great story since I do this so often, I locked my keys in my car last night at the coffee shop. My mentor had to drive me to her house and then back to the coffee shop after community group to meet one of the other bigs whom I had to call to get my spare set of keys out of the lockbox here. I am beholden so much to her since the coffee shop was like 20 minutes away. But it all worked out okay, because today we went to Sonic and I bought her a drink. :) My memory sucks sometimes. I am just glad I didn't have to pay $60 to have a locksmith come and open my door. A Sonic drink is so much cheaper!

Today we had our house meeting and also spent some time in a process group where we were able to bounce frustrations off each other. Then this afternoon I wanted to get a nap, but instead I ran errands with another big. Then I went on a doctor run with one of the girls and now I am hanging out with the girls in the living room waiting for dinner. :)

Earlier today I realized something about myself: all my stress hits me as physical problems. Mentally and emotionally I am doing great. I am frustrated by some things here, but I still love it and am doing great here. However, I have been having a lot of headaches and my shoulders are really stiff and sore, and I am constantly tired no matter how much sleep I get. I decided that next Monday I am going to see a Massage Therapist to help my poor body loosen up. Hopefully that will help me become more available to the girls here b/c I won't be so tired.

Sitting on Saturday

Being her in LeadTime has come dangerously close to making me hating weekends. :) On Saturday mornings we get up by 9:30 for breakfast and then have a house devo time. However after that we are given work projects for the rest of the morning. These projects include cleaning the vehicles, cleaning the offices, cleaning the kitchen, taking the recyclables to the recycling center and the most fun item - going to WalMart to pick up items the kids need/request.

Work projects last until 1:00 and then we have lunch. After lunch we do deep cleans, which is basically doing our weekly house and room chores just with a little more effort. This usually takes a half an hour or so, depending on the person/chore. The rest of the day is free for us to hang out with our rooms. My co-big and my two girls went shopping, got drinks at Sonic during Happy Hour, and had dinner at a pizza place. It was a fun time, but when we got back around 6:00 we were all tired and the girls laid down to sleep for a while. :)

I am used to relaxing weekends filled with sleep and quietness. My body and mind have still not gotten used to this new schedule of constant go, go, go. Hopefully by next summer I will be used to this program. :S

I am tired, but to lay down this early would only create more problems in that I would not be able to sleep the rest of the night, so I am forcing myself to stay up until 10:00 or so. So, here I sit, messing around on the internet, relaxing with some other bigs and listening to music. There are definitely times of rest, though few and far between, so I take advantage of them whenever I can. God provides at the best possible moments.

Friday is Here!

Thank God for Fridays!!!! This has been quite a week - odd in many ways. Thankfully tonight we are unwinding by having a dance party in the dark in our lobby. I am always amazed at girls when they are truly themselves. So much joy. We aren't trying to impress anyone; girls just want to have fun! ;) The girls here are so beautiful and I love watching them have fun dancing and laughing.

This morning the bigs met together for a time or worship: we prayed, sang, read Scripture and encouraged one another. It was a great time. Then the guys met in one group and the girls in another and we girls listened to a audio of Beth Moore presenting her Breaking Free study. Next week we will be starting that study. Already we are beginning to look at the chains that are binding us and holding us back from abundant lives. We had a great time talking and sharing and bonding with one another. This afternoon I got a quick nap and some time outside laying on the porch soaking up the cold temps and the heavy wind.

Time here is flying by so fast. This week I am glad for it since we had so many tempers flaring and drama going on the past few days. However, I can hardly believe I have already been here a month and a half. I am still loving it and wouldn't trade a moment for anything else. I love these girls and I'm constantly praying that God would heal the wounds in their lives and help them grow into faithful women who follow Him.

Serve Day

Ah Thursdays... the expectancy and hope for Fridays with all the stress of a normal week day. Today we had chapel - an interesting experience here at Shelterwood. The Killer B's is a group of guy littles who play guitar, bass, drums and sing during Chapel. They are really quite good, and I am so glad they help us worship with their gifts. Different staff speak at chapel each week - today was one of the House Directors. He used the song, Master of Puppets, by Metallica to express how we are all slaves to something. That something is sin, and although it looks different in all our lives, it is still a master that controls us until Christ sets us free.

After chapel we had our Bigs Meeting where most of the staff come around and we give kudos/encouragement to one another. It is a great time to lift each other up and share how everyone has made an impact and been a servant here.

Next was Serve Day: a man who lives a couple miles away is a great help to us when he fixes our lawnmowers and other equipment. So today we went to his place of business and helped him with some odd jobs like trimming trees, piling wood and weed-eating his fence lines. It was a lot of fun actually although we had a discussion as to why we have a serve day. We serve these kids and this property 7 days a week, so why is this particular day considered a "serve day"? Whatever - a mystery never to be solved.

I was on lunch duty today. Lunches are so much easier to work than dinners. Although the people on dinner tonight got done by 7:30 (not cool compared to my 9:00 night last night). Anyway, after I got done with kitchen duty I relaxed for the afternoon until the girls came back at 4:00. We hung out, had dinner, played basketball in the gym and now we are in study hall again. Another day down and over and God's grace is still sufficient. Today was challenging as I had some minor disagreements with a couple girls, but after a cool-down walk with Jesus I was able to handle the situation with humility and grace. Thank God for His help!