Narrow Road

This past week at Shelterwood the staff and students worked on service projects all week. We went out into the Independence/Kansas City communities to volunteer in a variety of ways. We served in a homeless shelter serving meals, we put up drywall in a Habitat for Humanity house, and we sorted clothes at a thrift store, among other things.

Some of the littles (which meant some of the bigs went too) chose to go on a three day retreat at a campground a couple hours away this week. I was chosen to be one of the bigs who went, and it was a very relaxing time to spend with the girls. We went to a few group sessions and heard the speakers talk about various topics, then we had small group times where we discussed those topics. We also had prayer partner times where I got to pray with the little I was paired with for the retreat. I got to know her so much better because of that time together, and I am so thankful for the growth I am seeing in her life and how God is challenging her and comforting her amidst her struggles.

During our time there I also got some time to be alone and also to take a walk down the trail around the campground. It was so nice to just step back from the daily grind for a couple hours to think through some of the things God is doing in my life.

Satan also tried to cast doubt and lies into my life through a situation and conversation where I began to feel really stupid, inferior and not good enough. Thankfully, God would not let me accept that lie, and I was able to pray through what I was really feeling to realize that I am a child of God, and as long as I follow Him I am doing just fine. I used to struggle a lot with self-worth, but lately I have see just how much I find my worth in Christ and not my own talents/possessions. God also worked it out so that what the speaker talked about that night was about what we put our hope in. The speaker, Chris, said he used to put his hope and confidence in his intelligence (I do that too) but now he realizes that his intelligence will fail and our confidence needs to be in Christ because He is the only One who will never fail.

On Friday we were back on property and I worked with the group at the Habitat house. It was so much fun to work with everyone there putting up drywall. I miss the hard physical labor of working on a farm. Now, I have the weekend off and I am just chilling in Blue Springs, enjoying some time alone to rest and pray without distraction.

God is so good to provide. :)

Refusing to Live in Fear

These past couple months I have been in a situation I find myself in all too often. I like a guy. Yep... sometimes I feel like I am in junior high again. Like, you know, when every week you like some new boy. Thank God I am not that bad, but it is really no surprise that I like some guy here at Doulos. There are a lot of amazing people here and I am blessed by them all.

The thing about me though, is that previously I would not tell anyone that I liked some guy. I would keep it all to myself and deal with it in silence. I would get all worked up and stressed out over it and would never tell anyone what I was dealing with.

Another thing I have always done when it comes to liking guys is that I avoid them. I try to put as much space between us as possible. I think a lot of that has to do with trying to protect myself from further anxiety. It may also be because I think guys need to pursue women in relationships, so by becoming more scarce and silent I was somehow making it easier for them to pursue me or more obvious that I wanted them to. I realize now just how dumb that was.

Of all my relationship dysfunctions and fears it is no wonder I haven't had a relationship (or even a date) since I was 16. I am pretty sure guys don't want girls who hide from them.

Oh to look at how screwed up I was, and in many ways still am, I have to laugh out loud. It is pretty ridiculous.

Anyway, bringing this whole thing back to the present: I have liked this guy here at Doulos for almost two months now and I have been agonizing over my feelings. For the longest time I just wanted them to go away so I could be free from the frustration they cause. Then I tried to just accept them and keep acting like nothing was different. I decided to tell some of the other girl bigs here (the jury is still out on whether or not that was a good idea) that I liked him, which was huge, but I also asked for them to keep me accountable. I wanted them to not let me act stupid when he was around or to talk about him too much or any of that jazz. Them knowing was good... until word got around to pretty much the entire staff that I liked this guy.

*Side note: it is frustrating and crazy that important items to be communicated get lost quickly and I feel out of the loop all the time regarding what is going on but juicy relationship tidbits like this fly from ear to ear without any breakdown. I hate it....

I was not okay with everyone knowing because the teasing and comments that come with that only serve to escalate my emotions more. So, on top of the stress here that is the norm I had to deal with this added anxiety. Then, to top it all off, the guy littles got wind of my attraction and began teasing me. After that I discovered that the guy knew I liked him too. That was the last straw.

So, after a lot of tears, prayer, and anxious wringing of my hands I decided to go talk to this guy in person. I wanted to clear the air and express my feelings from my own mouth rather than him hearing anything through the grapevine. I have lived in fear my whole life when it comes to conversations like that, but I knew I needed to tell him, otherwise our friendship would be strained and awkward even more.

Praise God the conversation went well. I was able to verbalize that I liked him and that I wanted us to be friends and not avoid one another or have things be awkward. He said he was glad I talked with him, and it was pretty much decided that right now is not the time to start a relationship. Both he and I are here to grow in our lives and faith, a relationship would only cause more problems than it would help. So, we are to remain friends. I am so relieved and thankful to God for that. As much as I would like a relationship, I want even more for us to just be able to get to know each other without expectations or weirdness getting in the way. We both know where the other stands, and we are both okay with not moving forward on any of these feelings.

Through this whole stressful ordeal I have already been stretched and taught a lot:
*I was able to overcome my fears in talking with him.
*I was able to express my emotions in a calm and appropriate way.
*I asked others for accountability and advice where I needed it.
*I spent a lot of time in prayer asking God to show me the next step to take.
*I respected his opinion and desires to avoid a relationship for now and I know that is the best for both of us.
*I figured out that by talking with others I am able to diffuse a lot of stress rather than allow it to continue growing and festering as I keep silent.

Thank God for this experience. I have no idea what the future holds, but I am okay with not knowing because I trust God and I know I am doing what He is asking me to do at this point. For the first time in a long time I feel free from relationship anxiety. :) Yay!

Submission to Authority

"Let every soul be in subjection to the higher powers."

I have always thought of myself as pretty submissive and servant-hearted. And in a lot of ways I am. I love serving people and blessing them by doing nice things for them and encouraging them. The problem is, I am only a servant when it is on my terms. Through a couple conversations this week with some other bigs here I realized just how rebellious I am. I will do what people tell me to do, but I will complain about it and in my heart resent them for being that "oppressive authority" in my life. I know I am rebellious, and I really do think people have to earn my respect, but the Truth that recently hit me afresh was that I need to be a servant even when I am commanded to do something. It cannot always be on my terms, and no one has to earn my respect for it to be right for me to respect them.

Here at Doulos we have a lot of serve days where we are told what we have to do and it usually involves doing really menial tasks that seem to be pointless or efforts in futility. Many of those things I would gladly do if no one asked me to - for instance, cleaning windows or vacuuming floors or raking leaves. I would do any of those if it hit me that it needed to be done and would bless someone. Yet, when I am told I HAVE to do those things I get really defensive and negative and even angry and resentful. That is not the attitude of Christ.

I want things to be on my terms. I want others to earn my respect. I am cordial and respectful in action towards most authorities here and elsewhere. I will usually do what I am asked/told to do. But the part Jesus is most concerned with is my underlying attitude and heart in the situation. My heart in those times is not Christ-like at all. I am rebellious and evil in my heart.

I want that to change. I want to serve others when they ask me to do menial, annoying or dumb tasks. I want to have a better attitude. I want to offer respect and submit my heart to others even if they treat me like crap and never consider my thoughts or feelings. This is huge for me - someone who is very, very... very independent and opinionated. Yet, it is a step I need to take. I need Christ to empty out those black, disgusting parts of my heart that drip with resentfulness and anger and fill them with peace, submission and love. I am thinking this year is a great time for that to happen. But it will be a hard uphill battle against a lot of filth in my life and against a lot of powers who want me to remain independent and proud.

Father help me have the right heart, not just the right actions.

To Be a Woman of God...

So, I just finished this book I received as a gift a few months ago titled "Have I Kissed Dating Goodbye?" by Carolyn McCulley. When I got it I was like, "ok... why am I supposed to read this?" But as I got further and further into the book I realized more and more how I needed to hear what she had to say.

Usually I will highlight a lot of ideas that impact me in books like this, but in this particular book, few things are highlighted, but what is are things that hit me really hard and I am still thinking through.

The first thing was "[Women] are designed by God to be helpers and to make men successful." This is a real slap in the face to those who think women need to be equal to men and have all the same responsibilities and experiences. Eve was created to help Adam be his best, not to be a competitor to him. I loved that she had the guts to write these words, and it changed my perspective towards the men in my life: co-workers, bosses, leaders, pastors, my dad, my brother, etc. I am still wondering what that will look like to make them successful. What exactly do I need to do to accomplish this?

Another thing that hit me strongly was when she was discussing physical beauty. Sentences like "we are asking Christian men to commit themselves to be faithful to one woman for the rest of their lives. Wouldn't it bless them if we were the best we could be, both spiritually and physically?", "men notice beauty" and "women should want to be attractive, especially to their husbands... we should strive to care for our appearance" really woke me up.

I am not a shabby dresser, I try to look presentable and nice, but I don't put hours into getting ready every day. I rarely wear makeup and I don't dress up too often. I have always thought that a man needs to be attracted to my inner beauty rather than my outer beauty, but after reading what Carolyn had to say I realized I need to strive to be beautiful in all ways because that is a main thing I have to offer to the world - beauty, in all its forms. Therefore, I need to take care of myself better, which includes exercising more regularly, eating more healthy foods and dressing up more often. :)

One final thing that really struck me as I read this book was her discussion of the quiet and gentle spirit that Peter refers to in his letters. For the past four or five years I have been mulling over this verse and asking God to make me into a woman with a quiet and gentle spirit. I have come a long way, but I still need some work. What she had to say hit me right in the gut and made me realize just how far I still have left to go.

"A woman who is quiet and gentle is not contorted by stress, anger, or impatience. Her laughter, and not her frowning, is etched in the lines of her face. There is no turbulence in her air space from her agitation and distrust. She's not wound so tight that she vibrates with irritation and anxiety... She trusts the Lord."

Ouch... what big shoes to fill. I frown more than I laugh, I am agitated and agitate people more than I am calm and soothing. I am wound tight most of the time. It sucks, but I still need so much change to happen in my heart before I can be considered a quiet and gentle woman.

There were many other things in this book that affected me greatly, but those were the most impacting. I am grateful to have had this book placed in my hands. I thank the person who gave it to me. I have realized a lot about myself and I have grown a lot more comfortable with my singleness than I ever was before. For this I am grateful and at peace with. Yay! :) God is good!

Two Month Anniversary

Well, I think the honeymoon is officially over now. The warm fuzzies have been buried and the grit of working with these kids has set in hard and heavy. In the two months I have been here we have had two kids attempt to run away, found out one girl was cutting using a tape dispenser, and have been in multiple tense moments with the other bigs. Yep, no warm fuzzy feelings anymore...

But I still would not trade my time here for anything in the world. I love these kids I work with and am so glad to know each of them. They all have their quirks and get on my nerves from time to time, but I recognize the hurting underneath the thick-skinned facade, and I really just want to love on these kids so much.

The past couple weeks have been difficult emotionally and spiritually for me. I have struggled a lot with relationships here and a part of me wants to build more solid relationships with the other girl bigs especially, but another, larger, part of me is thinking ahead to next fall when we all leave here and go our separate ways. I know this kind of thinking has destroyed friendships in my life before and in a way they become self-fulfilled prophecy, but even when I try to maintain relationships over distances and differing experiences, they still fade away. It sucks, but it makes me afraid to even try to deepen anything now.

So, I don't know what to do. I don't know how much to offer of myself. I don't know how much to seek others out. I think too much...

I want to have real friendships that will last until we are old and gray, but I don't know if I am capable of having that kind of relationship with anyone. I don't even know if anyone wants to be that close to me anyway.

There are so many lies that are so easy to believe. And there are so many lies that are are enhanced by situations and conflicts here. So, God has some work to do to remove the lies and spread the Truth in my heart and mind. But I still have 10 months here, and I know He still has so much to teach me and change in me.

Community or Avoidant Activity?

It is amazing how much activity one can fit into such a small amount of time. The end of this week has been crazy busy (as always - when will I get over that fact?) On Thursday we inspected the buildings and wrote down all the work that needed to be done on each - what a list! Then, we helped two of the staff here move their offices to new rooms. The rest of the evening was spent watching two girls on computers, writing horror stories for their English class. What an interesting assignment...

Then, yesterday I was up at 6:00 to go to the kitchen to make breakfast - french toast - and then after cleanup I went to classes. At noon I went back to the kitchen to help with lunch prep.

One of our HD's on Thursday gave me a coupon for $5 off at Mongolian Barbeque, so I decided to take one of my littles out for lunch on Friday to use it. However, this amazing opportunity to get to know one of my girls better was incredibly hard to make happen. I tried to find someone to switch lunch kitchen duties with, but all the girls had stuff going on or just didn't want to switch and the guys couldn't because one of the guys was off, one was already scheduled for kitchen duty and the other guys had to be on coverage for lunch. I even asked the intern if he would do me a huge favor and work kitchen for me, but he also had to be on coverage, but he agreed to take my place after the kids went back to school. So, thankfully, after the rest of the kids returned to school, me and my little went to lunch! Oh yeah, this was also after I got a lecture from another girl big on how I needed to plan these things ahead of time (I couldn't b/c I had just gotten the coupon and idea) and that this particular girl was already getting special treatment, which from my point of view, she was getting the shaft around here b/c of all the level ones and twos. Anyway, I left somewhat upset with everyone, but after hanging out with my little my heart was uplifted. We had such a fun time getting to know each other better.

When we got back everyone else was just getting out of school, so I was on coverage the rest of the afternoon. Then, after dinner we had House Night and played the game Bigger and Better. This game is played basically like this: each team starts out with a penny and we go to people's houses and ask if they would like to trade us anything for the penny. My team started at a staff member's house and got a trike (their little girl would be getting a new bike on Sunday). Then we went to my mentor's house and got an area rug. We went to their neighbor's house and even though he didn't want to trade for the area rug, he did give us some tomatoes from his garden. :) After a few unfruitful stops we finally went to the other big's mentor's house and was able to trade the rug for a Christmas Tree. At this point it was time to return, so when we got back we found out we had the biggest and best item, and my team won the game! Our prize was we got to eat the brownies and ice cream first before everyone else...

I went to sleep shortly after we got back and needed it after such a long day.

Spiritually I am doing better in some ways, still under attack by lies in other areas. I feel more at peace and the joy has returned. However, I still feel somewhat burdened, and I also am really struggling with the people here. I really feel lonely and unsupported here by the other bigs. I get the vibe from them that they want me to just get over this funk, and I also constantly get the vibe that they do not like how I lead here and interact with the girls. I am not their counselor, their parents, or their friend per se, but I do love them and want to spend time with them to get to know them. I give out consequences, and I listen when they need to vent. I do not think I need to be more of an authority here, nor less of one. Maybe some things need to change, but if they don't tell me what they are upset with then I am not gonna try to guess.

I honestly believe that real, honest, healthy community doesn't exist. In this broken and fallen world it can't. And this place is just one more example of failed relationships and community. We just make due and get by until we can get out. I've tried asking for help and seeking counsel and support from people here, but now they ignore me like the plague - guess my shit is just too much for them...

I really just want to return to my normal state and just keep everyone at bay b/c it just doesn't hurt as bad. It is safe and just fine for me. I can be the loner and be lonely. B/c in that situation I am left with no one but God, so I automatically go to Him rather than people when I need help or love. This is good for me. I have lived this way for years, I can remain this way no problem. And I am not going to ask for help; I will not mope around and seek pity. I will not work my ass off to build relationships that will never last anyway. It just isn't worth the hard work and time. By God's grace alone I can get by until the day real community will exist.

I just want to be where my Beloved is...

Standing

Today, I woke up drained and defeated once again. What a great way to start a day. :*( I felt completely beat down without any strength left to stand and fight for myself. All I could do was weakly ask God to send someone to fight for me. Finally, at lunchtime I sat with a couple of the other bigs and they entered the pain with me for a while and prayed for me. It was nice, but nearly enough.

Is it selfish to always want people to pray for and with you? I can't decide. I know my deep need for others to fight on my behalf and especially now my utter inability to fight for myself. I feel God close by, but His voice is being drowned out by my pain and Satan's lies. So, I hold on by a thread and wait for the pain to pass. Because I know it will eventually. I have been in this place of numbness and weakness before. God always gets me out, but it takes a while. I just feel like here it takes a lot longer b/c I cannot get away to deal with my stuff. I have to maintain my responsibility to the girls and to the program.

Tonight I worked in the kitchen again for dinner. I kept to myself most of the night, but I got a hearty laugh in when one of the girls put way too much cayenne pepper on the chicken. We were supposed to have Cajun Chicken, but we ended up having Smokin' Hot Chicken! :) When she told us what she had done (and we were watching the others eat it and gulp down huge glasses of water and milk) I just let loose a loud laugh. It felt good to enjoy that moment.

I am so glad for the small things in life that can bring pleasure in the midst of a seemingly hopeless situation. God is truly good. I think tomorrow will be better, but for now, I really just still feel numb and run-down. I also feel like a drain on the others here. My withdrawal and pain has for sure affected the others here, bigs and littles alike. I hate that, but honestly there is little I can do about it right now.

Hopefully tomorrow God will grant some small glimpses of light and joy again that can help me remember His presence and love more. And I hope those things can continue to lift me out of this pit I seem to have fallen in.

There are just so many things I need to figure out in my life. Not sure if and when they will get addressed, but it sure won't be today. I just hope the same things won't continue to be used by Satan to overwhelm and wound me. All I can do for now is pray for God to send His angels of protection to surround me until I can stand again.

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm... praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. ~Ephesians 6:10-13, 18

Empty

So, in the past few days I have been faced with my perpetual feelings of loneliness, isolation and rejection. I honestly feel like I have nothing to offer and that no one wants any part of me anyway.

Last night I was sitting, awaiting bedtime, just by myself, and across the yard I saw the guy I like here. It made me sad to know that, just like always, he wouldn't want me or care about me in that way. One of the girls came over and sat with me and starting asking me questions and through our dialogue (between sobs and tears) I came to realize that I desire a relationship with a guy b/c I want a good relationship in general. But b/c I am so afraid of getting close to people I push them away and all my relationships (it seems like) end up badly or I at least expect current friendships to fail eventually anyway.

I came to the conclusion that relationships are not worth the risk because we are all broken and even in the best relationship I will get hurt. So if I am going to hurt whether I am in a relationship or not it is just better to not take the risk of loving and losing. Being alone is at least consistent and I don't have to wonder when the hurt is going to come.

I am just so tired of the pain and hurt that haunts me every day. I have such deep pain in my heart. Last night as I sat with a couple of the bigs here I cried for like half an hour, and there was no point. All I did was hurt. I want the pain to go away, but it never will in this lifetime. That just isn't much of a hopeful life - knowing that no matter what healing (if any) takes place in my life, there will always be more pain to replace it. So I might just as well remain alone and maintain the same pain I have always felt - at least it is familiar - rather than take the risks with people and experience new hurt.

Yes, rejection hurts, but betrayal hurts more. Yes, loneliness hurts, but putting your heart out there and having someone rip it up hurts more.

I just feel so empty right now. I have nothing left inside of me to offer anyone except brokenness and pain. There is no joy left, no love, no contentment, no beauty. It is all broken and bloody and dirty and shredded. How could anyone actually want to be with me and form a friendship with me when I obviously have so little to offer? The answer is - no one does.

So, the question remains, how do I stay here and try to love on these girls when I don't have anything to give them. How do I stay here and try to bear responsibility when it only drains me more and more?

We have so much responsibility here and so much rests on our shoulders. We get 12 hours of our own time every week when we are not on call, and then when we say we need more time to "get away" to spend time in solitude, we are lectured that we just need to manage our time more wisely. Give me a break! This from the people who work from 8-4 Monday thru Friday and have weekends off. They don't live with the teens and have to constantly be inundated with all the crap from their own lives. I am really getting sick of them telling me to manage my time better. I think I will punch the next person who tells us that. Then they say things like, "well, you volunteered to be here". The next time they say that - I am gonna go pack my bags and leave b/c since I chose to be here, I can choose to leave and spend my time more wisely somewhere else. This is ridiculous. I love these girls, but I also need time alone (more than we are given) to rejuvenate and deal with my own sh*t.

All that to say: I am empty and zombie-like right now. There is nothing left in me to offer. Everything left needs to be fixed, and the depth of this pain seems to me to be way beyond what anyone can heal. No one understands why I hurt so deeply, and I am tired of the cliche answers and advice they prescribe.

So strop trying to fix things and just let God do His thing. I am angry at Him, but I trust Him to do something to get me through. My whole life exists on His grace, so all I can do is wait til He does something. I hate it; I hate having to wait for Him to choose to help me; I hate that I have to live here on this earth with so much hurt and pain before I can get to Heaven to experience no more pain. Finally, I hate that there is nothing I can do about it; well, there is something I could do to end this pain, but I really don't want to go down that road again...

People, people, everywhere, and no one to talk to...

Another weekend here at the Wood. Still on breakfast-kitchen duty this week, so I got to wake up early yesterday and this morning. I don't mind it, I actually needed to be in the kitchen yesterday since I was having a weird/bad day. I had some dreams that were really realistic and included someone I didn't want to be in my dreams, so I woke up angry that I had had those dreams. Oh well, the things we can't control...

I got what I thought would be a blessing yesterday as well. I didn't have to do a hard-core work project, instead I got to go drop off recycling and then go to Wal-Mart to pick up requests for the kids. It ended up being a lot longer process than I wanted it to be. Trying to buy stuff for people is hard when they give you so little description of what they need. But it was still nice to be inside instead of out in the cold fall air.

Last night was room night, and we stayed here on property and made grilled cheese sandwiches, tomato soup, brownies, and lemon cake. They were all super yummy. The extra cake and brownies we took to the guys' house and fed the boys. :) It was healthier for us, and it was a nice gesture by the girl littles in my room. Then we came back here and watched Mulan. After that we went to the weight room to work out, but the girls found one of the other staff's phone and began texting people with it (bear in mind this was the idea of another big) Since I really didn't think they should be doing that I left and hung out in my room til they got back and were bored with texting. Then we played Uno until bedtime. All in all it was a great room night. I just wish I had been in a better mood for all of it.

I really feel so alone here as of late. I think a large part of it is spiritual attack, but another big part is the cold shoulders I feel from the other bigs at times. It seems like the majority of them all have another big they spend time with talking and growing closer too. I really don't feel like anyone seeks me out here to get to know me better, and every time I try to get together with one of the girls here they have something better they need to be doing or they just don't want to talk about the things I need to talk about. It seems like all I have been doing the past few days is being 5-foot restricted to one of the littles. Other than my co-big, no one ever offers to be with her at all. I love her to death, but I cannot be around her 24-7 and remain sane. I need to escape for a while, but no one ever seems willing to relieve me.

I know I need to fight for community here, but I am beginning to wonder (again) if this is the kind of community I really even want to be a part of. We all need to pursue the company of each other. That isn't happening. I have spent my whole life having to get by alone with the exception of God. People are just way too fickle and mean. We are all hurting and hurting others. I know I do the same to the other bigs here, so I might just as well keep to myself and do them all a favor, and then I won't get hurt by them either. I know that is not the way God wants it, but I am not capable of reaching out right now, when all my time is spent trying to keep track of littles.

They say the point of our time here is to grow in our faith, but the reality is that all the pressure I feel here is to watch and build relationships with the littles. That is great, but if that isn't the point, then why are we pushed to do that more than anything else? How come I can never find time to just spend with God and grow closer to Him? I never get breaks here, and even on my day off I have a million things to get done that I can't do any other time, so I end up not getting any rest or time with God. I think they are lying to me about the purpose of our time here. I think they really just needed cheap labor to babysit these kids. I know that isn't true, but it really feels like it.

I know my attitude is bad right now, but I need to release this tension somehow, and since I have no one to talk to about it all, well... I guess I blog....

Chaos and Tears

Wow, what a week. Wednesday was a crazy and emotional day here. One of the girls had a really rough day with some serious things, and it really hit me hard. I was strong during all the chaos, but that night I was a wreck. I was so overwhelmed that I couldn't even talk about what was going on in my heart. On Thursday we had a Day of Prayer and we were given an hour and a half of solitude and silence to listen to God. I spent that time praying, journaling, crying, and allowing God to remove the heaviness in my heart. I needed to be comforted because I was so broken for these girls - all of them.

I was so thankful to God though, before all the chaos went down I had had time alone to sleep and pray. Then, during our time of prayer He really comforted me, and I just felt Him sitting next to me on the bed with His hand on my shoulder, crying with me. He really lifted the burden and helped me through the brokenness of that whole situation. Later on Thursday I was able to meet with my LeadTime Director, Jenny, and we talked about how I build walls to keep people out and how I come across as intimidating a lot of the time. I don't want to do that, but I also know I do it to keep myself protected from being hurt. The less people I really involve in my life and allow to call me out, the safer I am. I mean, I know the pain of great loss, and I would rather push people away than get to know them well and then lose that relationship. We talked a lot about those fears and my responses to others, as well as how I can begin breaking down those walls to begin building better relationships. I realize it will be oober hard, but I really want to step out from behind the facade to be myself with others without fear.

I have shed tears like a baby a lot these past couple days, but it has been good. I am glad I am in a safe environment to do that. God has been so good, and I know in this next year a lot of things will change in my heart. It will be hard and painful, but I am ready to be different. I hate hiding. I want to be myself.

Car Keys and Stress

Another beautiful fall week has begun. The trees are beginning to change color and all the girls are wearing tye-dye. That's right - I haven't made tye-dye since I was, like, ten, and now in the past month and a half I have made two shirts (well, 3, but I gave one away to another big). It is so much fun, and it is so cool to show solidarity on Tuesdays. It also gives me a great excuse to wear hoop earrings and my green hat. :) I'm cool, I know.

Yesterday our classes consisted of Perspectives and Discipleship groups. In the perspectives class we discussed how we view evangelism and the Great Commission. We talked of methods and how we can need to change our paradigm to make our goal "to make disciples". Following that class we got into our D-groups and worked through the first chapter of Leadership Essentials. Not the most amazing book I've ever read, but it is good to discuss different aspects of leaders.

The rest of the day I was off, but unfortunately my day off becomes more stressful than normal days. I have a list a dozen people long that I try to call each Monday, and maybe only half of them do I actually get a hold of. Then, I meet with my mentor for coffee at 5:30 and then go to her house for community group after that. In the community group we are going through a study of The Prodigal God by Timothy Keller. We just started the video last night, but it was really good. He speaks of the story of the prodigal son, but he brings so much out that we had never really thought of before that. It is good to get to know some of the people from the church I am attending here better too.

And, great story since I do this so often, I locked my keys in my car last night at the coffee shop. My mentor had to drive me to her house and then back to the coffee shop after community group to meet one of the other bigs whom I had to call to get my spare set of keys out of the lockbox here. I am beholden so much to her since the coffee shop was like 20 minutes away. But it all worked out okay, because today we went to Sonic and I bought her a drink. :) My memory sucks sometimes. I am just glad I didn't have to pay $60 to have a locksmith come and open my door. A Sonic drink is so much cheaper!

Today we had our house meeting and also spent some time in a process group where we were able to bounce frustrations off each other. Then this afternoon I wanted to get a nap, but instead I ran errands with another big. Then I went on a doctor run with one of the girls and now I am hanging out with the girls in the living room waiting for dinner. :)

Earlier today I realized something about myself: all my stress hits me as physical problems. Mentally and emotionally I am doing great. I am frustrated by some things here, but I still love it and am doing great here. However, I have been having a lot of headaches and my shoulders are really stiff and sore, and I am constantly tired no matter how much sleep I get. I decided that next Monday I am going to see a Massage Therapist to help my poor body loosen up. Hopefully that will help me become more available to the girls here b/c I won't be so tired.

Sitting on Saturday

Being her in LeadTime has come dangerously close to making me hating weekends. :) On Saturday mornings we get up by 9:30 for breakfast and then have a house devo time. However after that we are given work projects for the rest of the morning. These projects include cleaning the vehicles, cleaning the offices, cleaning the kitchen, taking the recyclables to the recycling center and the most fun item - going to WalMart to pick up items the kids need/request.

Work projects last until 1:00 and then we have lunch. After lunch we do deep cleans, which is basically doing our weekly house and room chores just with a little more effort. This usually takes a half an hour or so, depending on the person/chore. The rest of the day is free for us to hang out with our rooms. My co-big and my two girls went shopping, got drinks at Sonic during Happy Hour, and had dinner at a pizza place. It was a fun time, but when we got back around 6:00 we were all tired and the girls laid down to sleep for a while. :)

I am used to relaxing weekends filled with sleep and quietness. My body and mind have still not gotten used to this new schedule of constant go, go, go. Hopefully by next summer I will be used to this program. :S

I am tired, but to lay down this early would only create more problems in that I would not be able to sleep the rest of the night, so I am forcing myself to stay up until 10:00 or so. So, here I sit, messing around on the internet, relaxing with some other bigs and listening to music. There are definitely times of rest, though few and far between, so I take advantage of them whenever I can. God provides at the best possible moments.

Friday is Here!

Thank God for Fridays!!!! This has been quite a week - odd in many ways. Thankfully tonight we are unwinding by having a dance party in the dark in our lobby. I am always amazed at girls when they are truly themselves. So much joy. We aren't trying to impress anyone; girls just want to have fun! ;) The girls here are so beautiful and I love watching them have fun dancing and laughing.

This morning the bigs met together for a time or worship: we prayed, sang, read Scripture and encouraged one another. It was a great time. Then the guys met in one group and the girls in another and we girls listened to a audio of Beth Moore presenting her Breaking Free study. Next week we will be starting that study. Already we are beginning to look at the chains that are binding us and holding us back from abundant lives. We had a great time talking and sharing and bonding with one another. This afternoon I got a quick nap and some time outside laying on the porch soaking up the cold temps and the heavy wind.

Time here is flying by so fast. This week I am glad for it since we had so many tempers flaring and drama going on the past few days. However, I can hardly believe I have already been here a month and a half. I am still loving it and wouldn't trade a moment for anything else. I love these girls and I'm constantly praying that God would heal the wounds in their lives and help them grow into faithful women who follow Him.

Serve Day

Ah Thursdays... the expectancy and hope for Fridays with all the stress of a normal week day. Today we had chapel - an interesting experience here at Shelterwood. The Killer B's is a group of guy littles who play guitar, bass, drums and sing during Chapel. They are really quite good, and I am so glad they help us worship with their gifts. Different staff speak at chapel each week - today was one of the House Directors. He used the song, Master of Puppets, by Metallica to express how we are all slaves to something. That something is sin, and although it looks different in all our lives, it is still a master that controls us until Christ sets us free.

After chapel we had our Bigs Meeting where most of the staff come around and we give kudos/encouragement to one another. It is a great time to lift each other up and share how everyone has made an impact and been a servant here.

Next was Serve Day: a man who lives a couple miles away is a great help to us when he fixes our lawnmowers and other equipment. So today we went to his place of business and helped him with some odd jobs like trimming trees, piling wood and weed-eating his fence lines. It was a lot of fun actually although we had a discussion as to why we have a serve day. We serve these kids and this property 7 days a week, so why is this particular day considered a "serve day"? Whatever - a mystery never to be solved.

I was on lunch duty today. Lunches are so much easier to work than dinners. Although the people on dinner tonight got done by 7:30 (not cool compared to my 9:00 night last night). Anyway, after I got done with kitchen duty I relaxed for the afternoon until the girls came back at 4:00. We hung out, had dinner, played basketball in the gym and now we are in study hall again. Another day down and over and God's grace is still sufficient. Today was challenging as I had some minor disagreements with a couple girls, but after a cool-down walk with Jesus I was able to handle the situation with humility and grace. Thank God for His help!

Another typical day at the Wood

Another exhausting day here at Shelterwood. I am truly having to live moment to moment by God's grace. I love it though. I am humbled by how amazing these girls are and I love them all so much.

This morning we had 2 classes (wow it seems so long ago now). In one we are focusing on the life of Christ. Today we discussed some of the prophecies from the OT that spoke of Him and we also discussed the virgin conception/birth. In the next class we learned more about discipleship, including what the benefits are and what the risks are when we become personal with other people.

After classes we had to figure out who was taking one girl to the doctor and who would be around for all the other numerous things we had going on today. Since three of the bigs (leadtimer girls) were off today we only had five here. It created some stress as our house director had to basically make out a master schedule for all of us to know when and where we would be. Since I had to be on dinner duty at 4:30 I hung out with the girls for a while then went to work. The long and short of the night was that myself, one other big and some random helpers did diner duty tonight. Normally we would have more help, but I ended up being in the kitchen for 4 and a half hours. In the words of a previous big, "the kitchen is to be sucked." It was rough, but one of the guy bigs came to help us clean up and he brought his computer and played music for us. It was a good mental reprieve. :)

After we got done in the kitchen I went out and sat by the pool for a little while to cool down my feet. The water was crazy cold, but I began to thank God for all the blessings I had received today: the beautiful weather, a quick nap, Stefan to come help in the kitchen, cold water on my feet, a beautiful moon, wind, friends, and just being here in general. Even though tonight was rough it was such a great day just being here and allowing God to serve through me.

After a rest, hanging out with a friend here talking for a while, I came back to some drama in the house. The bigs are all tired and stressed, the littles are tired and many are sick, and tempers were steaming just below the surface. Having that few minutes to thank God and relax I felt I came back into it all with a cool head, but it frustrated me how we are all so spread thin sometimes. I know it will all be okay soon enough, but my heart pours out for these girls, bigs and littles alike. I love them and I pray for the best for them. There is still no place I would rather be.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. At least I am only on lunch duty and not dinner duty. :)

Day 42 at LeadTime

Okay... so, since a bunch of people are telling me I need to blog about my time here in Missouri, I finally figured, "well, I've already been here a month and a half, why not start now?" :)

Today was a beautiful day here: the sun was shining, the breeze was warm, the leaves are beginning to turn colors. A group of us this afternoon laid on the carpet in the living room and watched YouTube videos for over an hour. I got to go for a walk to enjoy the day. Later I get to take one of the girls to an appointment and then enjoy the evening hanging out with the girls. At 8:00 we do study hour, then at 10 we have room time. 10:30 is lights out and with all luck I will be in bed and asleep by 11:30. :)

I love being here and I am learning so much from God about myself and how I interact with others. There are definitely times when I feel like a parent and I have a feeling that when I actually do have kids (way in the future) I will apply a lot that I have learned here.

This place is truly challenging, but there is no place I would rather be. I have such peace here. God is so good in how He orchestrates my life to bring the greatest joy. I never would have chosen this place for myself, but God knew where I should be to have the most abundant life and where He would receive the most glory. I am so glad He knows what He is doing.

Princess in a Tower

There is an age old story of a beautiful princess trapped in a tower, awaiting her prince to come. She stares out the window, paces the floor, imagines hair-brained escapes, dreams of freedom, and waits. She sees men ride by on their white steads; some she calls out to, others she merely watches pass. Some call up to her, but she replies she wants to be in the tower. Why? She doesn't really know.

I truly feel like this princess. I am sitting in a tower, waiting, yearning for a prince to come rescue me. The tower is singleness, or more aptly, loneliness. I want to be pursued - for someone to think I am worth the time and effort to rescue. I stare out the window watching the men go by, wondering if any of them are "the one". Some offer their services, but I shy away. Why? I don't know, except that maybe I feel safe in my tower. But more likely it is because I know that to step out of my tower would be to make myself vulnerable to my rescuer. And I want to know if he is trustworthy. Somehow, maybe from my vantage point of the high tower I can see who is worthy. So, I reject the help offered.

Then, there are the other men who walk past barely noticing me in my tower. Perhaps they think I got myself there and am enjoying my position. Perhaps they are afraid to fight the dragons to rescue me. Perhaps they just don't want to be my knight in shining armor. Yet I see them walk past and yearn to have them look up and understand what is going on. For them to care enough to pursue.

But just like in the story there is only one prince who will be able to rescue me. All the others will fade into the background, but someday my prince will come. :)

The annoying thing is that until my knight comes I catch myself day after day watching the men who pass, wondering who will it be? A few I want to notice me and pursue me. So far, none have. I wonder what is it about me that makes the men walk the other way.

Then, the King answers and says to me, "You are beautiful. You are intelligent. You are funny. You are valuable and worthy to be pursued. I love you." And in the midst of the rejection by many princes, I know the King speaks Truth. There is nothing wrong with me that chases knights away. The tower is not a trap or a prison. It is a guard-wall that protects me from getting hurt by bandits dressed as princes. My King wants me to remain safe until the prince He has chosen can come rescue me. His motive is love and His purpose is holiness and purity. I can wait until the right time as long as the King continues to remind me of His overruling love and sovereignty.

So, until that right time, I sit in my tower, pace the floor, listen to the wind and birds, and wait for my prince to pursue me.

I am worthy to be pursued, but I don't want to be until the King's chosen prince makes his move. For now my tower is my guard, and my King is my satisfaction no matter what the future holds.

Proverbs 4:23 Keep vigilant watch over your heart; that's where life starts. (Message)

Hammocks

I love swinging in my hammock in my front yard. I have a gorgeous view of the farm under the shade of the apple tree. The breeze plays with my hair and the kittens purr in my lap. The sky is such a beautiful blue with playful white clouds drifting their way east. The grass and trees bring alive a vast array of greens and I find myself completely at peace just sitting there, not reading a book, not texting or talking on my cellphone. Not even thinking about anything in particular. I love to just take in the breathtaking beauty of a very important gift God gave me: my home.

I have been in such a place of peace recently. Even in the midst of miscommunication and hurt, arguments, and storms of every kind. God just keeps granting me such a deep incomprehensible peace. The simplest things bring me the most joy. The wind whipping my hair in my face. The sound of kitten purring as she sleeps on my lap. The feel of the grass between my toes. The long hard day of work I put in, knowing I accomplished something important each day.

It actually surprises me to think that a year ago I struggled for this deep joy. Nothing could make me happy. There was no reprieve from the storms and the hurt and the anger. Outwardly, nothing has changed. My life really isn't that much different than it was before. Yet, inwardly a world of difference exists. I am so grateful to God for that. He is truly bringing me healing and joy.

Is it Safe to Fall yet?

So... I'm a girl - duh right? - and there are things I desire in my life. One such thing is a relationship with some amazing guy who will sweep me off my feet and treat me like a princess.

It's easy being on a Christian campus to daily see such great guys - who are usually already "taken" unfortunately - and it is equally easy to find myself having crushes on some of them. Nothing serious, but I enjoy being around them, and I thank God for those friendships with God-seeking men.

I could easily see myself falling head over heals for some guy who started to pursue me. It would not be hard to be completely flattered and honored, and knowing my passionate self I know that the flattered-ness would soon turn into serious attraction and possibly (dare I use the word) love.

Yes, I want to fall in love. I want to be comfortable enough to say "I love you" and to be myself around some guy. I want to find the perfect guy for me.

I am not naive enough to think there are perfect guys out there (as there are no perfect girls either). I know I need to be willing to accept someone despite their mistakes and imperfections. But I also know I need to have standards.

The question is: how high should my standards be? When is it safe for me to fall in love with the RIGHT guy? How will I know, when I meet him?

I remember quite a few years ago making a list of all the things I wanted in a husband. Things like handsome, having similar passions as me, strong were obviously on the list. And those are still important. But...

as I begin to fall for this one particular guy some of those things start to lose importance. Not that he isn't handsome or strong, but our passions lie in different places. My biggest concern is where he is in his relationship with God. I can overlook almost everything else as long as I know he is seeking God with all his heart.

In two weeks I will be walking away from this campus for good. I will be receiving a diploma and stepping out into the "real world". There are a million changes happening as I take this next step. I am still not sure where I will be a year from now, much less a month from now.

Is now a good time to start a relationship?
Do I want a long-distance relationship?
Are we even heading in that direction?

We hang out and I enjoy spending time with him, and it appears as though he wants to spend time with me and get to know me. But does he want a serious relationship? Does he just want a friendship? I honestly don't know yet.

I am bound and determined to take this whole thing one step at a time. I also refuse to take control and start that conversation with him. If he wants a deeper, dating, relationship with me, he has to ask. I want him to take the lead and take the risk. I am willing to accept...

At least I think I am...

Do I just want a relationship in general - who I am with doesn't matter?
Do I want to be in a relationship with him in particular?
Why do I feel so comfortable around him?
Is God opening doors and giving permission/encouragement?
Is Satan trying to hold me back from God's will by dangling a carrot in front of me?


Is it right for me to fall yet?

Time Well Spent

I have never been good at keeping in touch with people. As a teenager I would go to camp or on missions trips, meet wonderful friends, and vow to keep in touch with them forever. A few years later, and I have no idea where they are or what is going on in their lives. Granted, Facebook keeps me updated, but it's not the same. I hate it actually. I will typically refrain from even have a conversation with anyone I know I won't see again or have a deeper relationship with.

I would rather sit alone than meet new people, especially here at school, right now... because in a few months I will be leaving and I would rather not start friendships now because I have a feeling deep in the pit of my stomach that by this fall I won't hear from them again.

Recently, I have not called some of my friends in a long time even though I know we need to hang out soon. They only live like 15-20 minutes away, but I can never seem to make time... well, I have time, but most of that down time is spent sleeping, doing homework, or just recharging by being alone. I hate this...

I wish life wasn't so chaotic. And I know it will only get worse as I leave college and enter the working world. I wish I could slow down and enjoy life more. I wish I just had less things to do. I downsized a lot this year from previous years, but I still feel so busy. And now my busyness is slowing tearing apart my relationships. Grrrr...

Lord help me realize that relationships are more important that classes and essays. Help me put my own comfort aside to spend time with those who need my presence and love.

Divine Purpose

Among my professors and peers here at school it is commonly referred to as "my call". We talk about what God is "calling" us to do with our lives, and it has become a kind of catch-all phrase that no one can question. Like, "I feel called to go teach in Africa" or "I am called to work in the inner-city."

For the most part, I don't question other people's "callings". I mean, who am I to say what God has spoken to someone else. But my own calling I question more and more often. Not because I do not want to do what I "feel called to do" but because in some ways it goes against my beliefs. Would God actually "call" me to do something that was wrong?

So, after I left Asbury College to go home for a semester I got this vision/dream to start a youth center in my home town. From there it grew into working with teenagers in that sort of setting in a bunch of different towns. The vision continues to grow and I even have a desire to work in a residential facility somewhere with struggling teens.

I tell people my "call" is to work with teenagers. I say this because I love being around teenagers and watching them interact, learn, struggle with life and faith issues. It touches my heart to talk with them about what is going on in their lives and how they want to know God better.

There are a lot of things I would like to do in my life such as start youth centers in small towns, work in a residential facility, work in a juvenile detention center, do prison ministry, etc. and I will say that I am "called" to do those things.

But... who decides if I am really called to do that? I mean, what if I am just going off on my own little tangent of things I like and want to do while God is standing off to the side saying, "hey, over here! I have something else I want you to do!" I am selfish and blind enough to completely miss His will, so how do I know I am headed in the right direction?

Others have seen a gift in me that I work well with teenagers. Ok. And I look at where I was when I got the vision to start a youth center. I had no desire to work with youth at that point, so the vision must have been from God; it was at least not from my own desire at that point.

I hope I am on the right path. I hope I am fulfilling God's divine purpose for my life. I don't want to do the wrong thing just because I enjoy doing it. That is not a good enough reason to pursue something.

I guess I wish someone could analyze my life and my vision to say to me whether or not I really am called to work with teenagers in those situations and places. We were talking about ordination in one of my classes last week. I still have no idea what ordination specifically is or why ministers should get ordained, but I wonder if it doesn't have something to do with others looking at our lives, our gifts/talents, and our "calling" and deciding if we are really where we should be and then confirm that to us when we are "ordained". I don't know... but I do think that would be nice - to have others confirm to me that I am exactly where I should be.

I trust God, but I don't really trust my ability to hear Him clearly, so I walk semi-blindly by faith; and that, if I am not headed in the right direction, God will make it absolutely clear to me that I need to change course. Until that may happen though, I will keep serving teenagers. That is where my passion and talents lie at the moment.

I am so glad God has a divine purpose for my life. I just hope I can follow it all the days of my life... only by the grace of God...

Beginning of the End

So, I was walking around campus yesterday and it struck me that this is my last semester here. I won't be returning next fall. I will probably never again wander across campus to the library to print things off, or to the DC for dinner. I will no longer trudge to the Business Office to pay my bills or to the church for chapel. This is it: the end.

A lot of people have told me over the last five years that "these are the best days of your life" and "the time will fly by and you'll miss it." I didn't understand until now. Not that these have been the best years of my life, I hope they get better, but the years have flown by and I can't believe all that I have experienced during my time here.

I made lasting friendships that I know I will keep until I die. I traveled to Cambodia. I was stretched and challenged and learned a lot about myself. God healed a lot of my heart during these years.

I think... I think I will miss my time here. I am ready to be done with school and enter a world where I no longer have to attend new classes every four months, and have 100s of pages of reading to do each night. I am ready to know something other than formalized education, namely a steady job. Yet, in spite of my desire to move on I realize now how much God has blessed me during these years with so many things. It will be scary to move on into a world I am not comfortable with. Stepping out of this safety net into the lion's den.

I am not sure when, but somewhere in the last two months I changed... a lot. I am mysteriously different than I was last November. I can't put my finger on exactly what or when, but I know something changed. I see things differently now.

I am not afraid of people for one. It wasn't hard for me to lower my head and ignore others and think I wasn't good enough for anyone to want to talk to. Now I find myself more confident, raising my head and smiling at strangers as I pass them on the sidewalk. In my classes, peers I once thought so much better than me I can now talk to without fear of their judgment. Not sure where the confidence came from or why I am no longer afraid, but I like it.

I guess better late than never. In just a few short months I will be in a place where I don't know anyone and I will have to build relationships from scratch again. I think I can do it. Maybe this is the one last thing God wants to teach me before I leave this place. Actually there are probably a few things left for Him to teach me, but this one will for sure take a lot of practice.

It is amazing how nostalgia always sets in before things ever even end. I will be so sad all semester, but then when graduation comes I won't be able to cry...

Bittersweet... so glad to leave, so sad I cannot stay.

Metacognition

There are a thousand different reasons why I might be struggling with depression: chemical imbalances or an inability to deal with stress to name just a couple. I have no idea why I have to deal with this particular demon, but for the past 10 years I have had to.

The constant hatred for my own life was destroying me. Yet, in some weird way I was able to adjust to this mindset. It was like there are two different minds in my head. One is always mulling over the bad. The other is always trying to point out the good and the truth of my life. I think the bad mind is my own. I think the other mind is God's Spirit keeping me alive.

I recently went on meds to fight the depression. Yet, an unexpected side effect I seem to be having is an inability to process new information. My mind was always working before. I would always be thinking, trying to figure things out. I could never just let anything go. Now, it is like all new information just hits a brick wall and I can't bring it into consciousness without a lot of effort.

I'm not sure I like this turn of events. There were times, sure, when I wanted my brain to slow down and just let stuff go. Now, though... I realize that I had adjusted to thinking like that. It is hard to readjust to quietness in my skull.

The quietness is a little scary. But scarier still is that I keep getting bombarded with things I need to figure out. I need to decide a career in just a few short months. I need to deal with the sin in my life in the area of not being satisfied with what God has given me. I need to be open to God speaking because it seems like I have no idea what His will is when I pray (I always seem to get the opposite of what I pray for). Yet, all these things I can't hold in consciousness long enough to work through them.

Maybe this is what most people have to deal with: faith that God will work it out without them figuring it out in their heads first. Who knows... but it is not like I didn't have to rely on faith before - I had to cling so close to God's grace because if I let go I would literally die.

I have always known that the only reason I am alive for each breath I take is God's desire for me to fulfill His purpose first. I have no idea what that is, but if He withdrew His hand from my life I would cease to breath.

I don't know where this whole thing will go, or any of the other ways I will need to readjust. I can only hold on to hope that God will come through as He always has and show me what I need to do. Until then, frustration and fear are the spoilers of the day.

Dear God, please act soon!

Love and Loss

Her name was Maxine. She was born on October 4, 1995. I thought she was beautiful and full of spunk. I asked my parents if she could be mine. And, at 9 years old, I owned my very own calf. My name would be on the registration forms and everything. She ended up being one of my very best friends.

I used to love animals. They were intelligent, loving, and would listen without judgment when I just needed to get something off my chest. Now, where there was once love is a black hole of hurt. Maxine and so many others were ripped from my hands all too soon.

There is a saying that goes, "it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." I disagree most of the time, but in rare instances I can see what he was saying. I wouldn't trade my time with Maxine for anything in the world. But I would rather not ever really love again to keep from losing and hurting this much ever again.

It is hard to explain to people how much I loved Maxine. I mean, to everyone else she was just some dirty, stupid cow. But to me, she was a very close friend. Her eyes were alive, and I knew what she was thinking just by looking into her eyes. I still miss her so much it hurts. Whenever I think about her or picture her face I begin crying again.

December 20, 2002 - my 17th birthday - all the cows on my farm were loaded up into trucks and moved to another farm an hour away. The sales transaction was complete. Maxine was on one of those trucks.

I died inside.

This morning I went down to the barn to feed the cats, and I saw that one of the kittens who had been sick didn't make it through the night. I was sad for this poor animal, but my mind immediately went to Maxine and how much I hate losing these beautiful creatures.

A great deal of my pain in life comes from losing these wonderful animals and friends. Most people can't understand why, but I try to explain it this way: "Have you ever lost 150 of your closest friends all at the same time? Well, when you have to endure that, then you will know how badly I hurt inside." That is no exaggeration, honest.

No wonder so many years later I am still grieving.

God told me once that every tear I cry heals one more piece of my broken heart. I have cried so much through the years that I am amazed by how many pieces my heart is in. And there is still so much hurt left to heal.

I have no idea if animals end up in Heaven. If they do...I hope Maxine is there waiting for me. If not, then Jesus is going to have to hold me for a long time, wiping tears from my eyes...

I miss you, Maxine. You will always be a part of me.

Winter Wonder

This morning I woke up and looked out the window to see everything covered in snow. The trees were absolutely gorgeous! Everything was glistening in the sunlight. I was reminded once again why I love snow so much.

It grieves my heart to listen to the constant complaining of the cold weather, icy roads, and desire for spring to arrive soon. I love winter! I love the purity that covers everything. I never wish it away. Yes, there are days when I wish it was warmer, and when I get stuck in snow drifts and have to walk home, I wish the wind didn't blow so hard.

But snow is still one of my most treasured gifts. Quite a few years ago (sometime in jr. high or high school) I remember the fall being warm and no snow had fallen as of the middle of December. With my birthday just days away I for some reason desperately wanted it to snow. I always enjoyed playing in the snow and building tunnels in the ditches, and snow forts...

So, I asked God for a specific birthday gift. I wanted it to snow on my birthday. Up to the day before there was no snow, and not likely to be any according to the weather forecasters, but I had hope.

When I woke up on my birthday morning to look out the window I was so overcome with joy that I couldn't speak. Snow was covering the ground, but you could still see some green, but it was still snowing. Big fluffy flakes that quickly immerse everything in a snowy blanket. I was so humbled and yet happy that God would give me such a beautiful birthday gift.

Every year since then I have asked God for snow on my birthday. And as far as I can remember, every year except one I have been granted that gift. I feel silly at times asking God for such a strange birthday gift, but for some reason I don't understand, snow appeals to me deep in my heart. I love it....

One thing I have always found joy in is God's creation. I love to look out my window any time of year and just look at the trees, the birds, the clouds lazily drifting through a perfectly blue sky. I am always amazed at the sheer beauty that God created. Snow is so beautiful to me. I guess it represents hope and beauty in spite of the sleeping deadness underneath.

Today is a perfect day.

This is God's Day

When I was a kid, one of my favorite hymns was This is the Day. The words were very simple:
This is the day, this is the day
That the Lord has made, that the Lord has made
I will rejoice, I will rejoice
And be glad in it, and be glad in it

This is the day that the Lord has made
I will rejoice and be glad in it

This is the day, this is the day
That the Lord has made.

I would sing it all the time in and out of church. However, somewhere in the years between then and now I forgot the message of rejoicing in this day God has given me to live in.

A couple weeks ago I was watching a video of Otto Koning. He was preaching about how when bad things happen and we don't know what to do, we should rejoice. It goes so completely against the grain, but is exactly what we should do when trials come.

As I sat there watching and listening three things occurred to me. First, that I don't rejoice. Second, I realized that I just don't have it in me to do so. I am not strong enough to praise God when my life is a mess. Then, as if God Himself spoke the Truth to me, I realized that of course I don't have the strength to rejoice. It has to be the Spirit of God in me. I am not sure where in the Bible (somewhere in I or II Corinthians) it says this - but I know it does - a person cannot praise God unless the Spirit is in him or her.

That final epiphany was a weight off my shoulders. So, in the past couple days as I have been battling a series of relationship issues and a migraine, I have been asking God to help me rejoice. To praise Him for Who He is and for all He has done for me.

It's hard, but lessons like this take time to sink in and enter my everyday actions.


A couple months ago I heard this song by Lincoln Brewster: Today is the Day. It took me back to my childhood and the old hymn I used to love. The message is the same: today I am alive for God's purposes; so I need to praise Him for this breath in my lungs right now.

Good Enough

Why is it that one little remark can stop me dead in my tracks and make me feel like I am just not good enough?

Tonight I was out with some friends whom I haven't hung out with for a while and we were just playing Euchre and having fun. I may (or may not) have said a couple things that sounded a little rough around the edges - I don't really know since I am so used to and comfortable with who I am in that regard - and then my one friend made some comment about me being a little crass with my language. I replied with something to the effect of, "well that's what I am around all the time" (referring to the interesting and colorful language of a vast majority of the teens whom I work with).

The language doesn't bother me, but I keep forgetting that sometimes it bothers other people.

The point is, as I drove away tonight it kept bugging me why I was so concerned with what others thought of me. I mean, I have my failures and imperfections. I screw up and I know my bad habitual sins. And I wish I could fix those things in my life. Yet, I am, for the most part, content with who I am. I know who I am at least and am satisfied to remain me until God decides to change me.

Yet, for some reason I want to be good enough in others' eyes. I want them to like me and all that crap. Hmmm... so stupid really. Why does it matter what my friends think of me? Or anyone for that matter? I am ok with me; and it really doesn't matter what others' opinions of me are.

But I still keep trying to be good enough... even when its apparent I'm not...

Guess they'll just have to get over it and accept me for who I am. Cause I'm not changing anytime soon...

Freedom

What is freedom? One dictionary definition is "exemption from external control". So... how exactly does that mesh with freedom in Christ? I mean, really... we go from being controlled by our sinful nature (which ironically is internal rather than external) to allowing ourselves to be controlled by a purely external source - God.

So, maybe freedom is exemption from internal control... but that just sounds like insanity - an inability to control our actions/thoughts. Therefore, that doesn't work either.

The reason I wonder about freedom is because it seems like we are never free. Something always has at least a partial control over us. I wonder if freedom has more to do with being able to choose what controls us: the ability to throw off oppressive controls to take on other controls. Except that would make us in control... which brings us back to the problem of our sinful nature. Wow... what an incredibly confusing circular argument.

The thing is I desire freedom from a lot of things: depression for one. I know there is something wrong with the way I think and perceive reality. It could be the best day of my life and I would still see all the negative aspects. I would still manage to be upset for whatever dumb reason was near at hand.

I have an intact family, wonderful friends, health, an almost-completed college education, ideas and dreams, prospects for post-graduation jobs, etc. So, how is it that each day I can wake up and not want to get out of bed? How can I still hate my life to the degree that I wished it over?

I know I try to justify my pessimism on the fact that "nothing gold can stay" (thanks, Robert Frost, for that wonderful line). No matter what great thing is happening in my life at any given moment, I have an uncanny ability to see that it will never last. That something bad will come eventually to ruin all joy.

Not a great way to live, but the truth is that after 10 years of trying to overcome this bleak outlook and attitude, I am still failing. When I awake to those days of depression and hopelessness there is really nothing I can do to escape.

I am not free.

I want to be free!

I have asked God to free me since I am supposed to find freedom and healing in Him. Yet, even as He has freed me partially with His presence and words, I am still prisoner to my mind.

And yet, even if I am freed... what then? Like a bird who has been caged for its whole life, I would have no idea what to do if the cage were to be taken away.

I am going to visit a doctor soon to perhaps go on anti-depressant medication. My greatest fear is not that the medication won't work. My fear is that it will. I will be free.

Freedom is scary. It also gives me no more excuse for being a victim. And that was a great reason to seek medical help. It is reassuring at times to play the victim - "everything bad happens to me!" - but it is also annoying. I don't want to be a victim of my circumstances. I want to be joyful and strong - able to face the greatest tragedy with tears, yes, but also with hope that everything will be okay in the end because God is in control.

I'm not free yet, and maybe I never will be... but, PRAISE GOD!, in Heaven I will be free. With that thought I can make it through whatever bondage this earth places on me for the next few decades.

Guess I have some hope after all... and hope is painful, yet mysteriously freeing...

I'm Done Trying

I hate it when people say things like, "You can do it" to me when I express some situation I am dealing with or some task I need to complete. I am a driven person and I rarely give up on something once I've started. So, when I say I am having difficulty with something or when I say there are just too many things I have on my mind, and then my friends are like, "oh, I know you can handle it" it shows a complete misunderstanding of who I am.

The whole point is that I CAN'T anymore! If I am saying I am overwhelmed it is because I AM! I no longer have the strength to deal with all the crap on my plate.

I know they mean well. They want to encourage me to keep moving forward and not give up hope. Fine. But stop telling me I can do things. I can't do anything by myself. I should know, I have been trying to for years and failing at every turn. I screw up everything I try to do myself. I need God's strength to get me through. I need His wisdom and help to fix all the problems I have caused.

I am not the Little Engine Who Could. I can't... and I'm tired of trying.

So... I quit.

I quit trying to make relationships work. I quit trying to feel/look happy all the time. I quit having to finish all the stuff I set out to do. I am just done.

I'm done doing everything and being everything that everyone wants me to be. I'm done...

Loving Longest when Hope is Gone

"All the privilege I claim for my own sex is that of loving longest when existence or when hope is gone." ~ Anne Elliot in Jane Austen's Persuasion

I heard this saying a few years ago and I thought then it was so true. And to this day I am even more convinced of its truth.

I have loved someone for about five years. It wasn't exactly love at first sight, but it was definitely attraction at first sight and has grown into love since then. At the time I would see him throughout the week and a surface friendship even developed. However, it soon became apparent that he was out of my league and there was no way he could feel for me the same as I did for him.

So I resolved to put him out of my mind and repress the growing love in my heart. It didn't work. I went away to school for weeks and months at a time without seeing or hearing from him, and I convinced myself that I no longer had feelings for him. Yet, when I went home and chanced to see him, all the attraction and love would hit me full-force again. It would take me weeks to recover.

I would yell at myself for being so stupid. I prayed for the feelings to go away. I tried to transfer my attraction to other guys and succeeded in some small way a few times, but it was never the same thing. Underneath all other "crushes" I was still in love with this one other guy. I hated it so much because I could not control or master it. And the worst part was I knew there was no hope of being with him.

I told myself that it would have to fade eventually. There was no fuel to the fire other than seeing him and talking to him on occasion. He never did anything to encourage my feelings. In fact, there were times when he drove me absolutely crazy by saying something really mean or discouraging.

Yet I still loved him. Why do so many women do that? They fall in love with guys who treat them like crap. I see it all the time - "oh, he doesn't mean it", "he is under a lot of stress", "I know he still loves me". Give me a break! And here I am in that category of loving some jerk. I just don't get it.

"The heart has reasons that reason does not know." I hate that fact too...

So, here I am stuck: in love with a guy who does not care for me at all like that. Unable to conquer the passion in my heart. Five years and no change (other than increased anger at myself for my stupidity). I can't even stay angry at him for being a jerk! I always find myself forgiving him and making excuses... GAH!!!!

I guess all hope is gone, but my heart will not accept that and love carries on without permission. Maybe, please, maybe someday I will stop feeling this way for this guy. Or maybe I will just have to move to a foreign country and stay there the rest of my life without ever seeing him again. Actually... that doesn't sound like such a bad idea...

Saving my Life

You ever had one of those days when you wake up feeling angry or sad or like there is just something wrong? Do they happen more often than not?

I have spent a good chunk of my life under a dark cloud. I wish it would go away - I don't like being downhearted and angry. There is no reason for me to be so. I have a decent family, friends, a good education, etc., but I still feel so often like I am alone or that all of life sucks. The facts don't support that, but I cannot control how I feel.

Today is one of those days when I just feel like my life sucks and getting to Heaven is my greatest desire. I have had a lot of days like this recently, well, since August anyway. This feeling is not a stranger; it has followed on my heels for almost 10 years. Yet, periods come and go when I feel some relief, but then all it takes is a couple stressful events and I am back wishing my life was over.

Fortunately (or unfortunately) I do not have the strength to take my own life. Rather, I keep praying for God to let me die since He has control over these kinds of things. But to this moment He has refused. I am not all that thankful actually, but somewhere deep inside I don't want to die. But more than that I don't want to live the rest of my life with this deep pain and darkness in my soul.

Today as I was sitting in church and the communion bread and juice were being passed around, I wished once again that I could just be in Heaven with Jesus instead of remembering His death. And with my eyes closed and tears brimming just under the surface, it felt like Jesus was sitting next to me, with His arm over my shoulder, saying something to the effect of, "I know it is hard, but I'm here." I could almost see the pain written on His face as He saw me in pain. I wondered, "then why not just take it away?" But I realized that just like people get cancer or heart attacks, my body isn't perfect either. Sometimes God heals, sometimes He doesn't. I don't know how He decides, but I leave that to Him. As I was sitting in His embrace today it was like He was saying, "your body is broken just like many others'. It's ok to get some help in this" My brokenness is just in my mind and harder to heal than cancer or broken bones.

It was nice to have Jesus' arm around me. You have no idea how comforting that felt. It has been nice hearing His voice the last couple days. Yet, I am so afraid that I will get so caught up with "life" again that I will stop listening and waiting for Him. It has happened before, too many times to count. My heart hurts with that thought. I just want to be close to Jesus because He is the only one who can ease my hurts and chase away the clouds long enough to see a glimpse of light.

God saved my life - in every way. Spiritually when I was 6 or 7. Physically when I was 17. I know that my whole life exists because of and is wrapped up in Him. I know I would be dead right now if it weren't for His love. I know that I would die today if He withdrew that love.

So... I keep waiting for Him to save me mentally...

Family Matters

We all have them. Those few people in our lives who drive us absolutely nuts but we are unable to escape from: family.

They are responsible for our little idiosyncrasies, our prejudices, our looks, and even our underlying dysfunctions.

I look like my mom, I act like my dad. I am stubborn, have a smoldering temper right beneath the surface, am very opinionated, and I will fight for the dumbest things.

Every family has its problems. No one is perfect, and in a family atmosphere all those imperfections become more than apparent. Yet, in spite of it all we are supposed to love each other, stand behind one another, and spend time with one another.

My dad drives me crazy - he still treats me like I am a little girl. I think it is because he just can't handle the fact that his little girl is all grown up and a woman now. My mom never gives me advice because she wants me to find my own way or something like that - I hate it; I wish she would just tell me the right decisions to make sometimes. My brother and I fought like mortal enemies throughout our teenage years. I was terrified of him actually. Even now we act like strangers in the same house whenever we are together.

As much as I would like to disown my family at times I realize I can't. And besides, wherever I go, my family tags along because they are all a part of who I am.

Yet, in spite of all my issues with my family I love them all. I wish I could say it sometimes. I would rather blame them for making me screwed up, but I am just as much a part of the problem as any of them. We all have our issues that we carry with us deep inside. I don't know all, but I do know some, of the deep scars inside my mom, dad and brother. I want to love them, but most of the time I just don't know how.

When my dad is being annoying, or when my mom is being silent or when my brother is being distant, how do I say "I love you"? I was recently reprimanded for being mean to my dad. Perhaps I deserved it, but it hurt. I don't want to be mean - I just seem to do it automatically. How do I stop? How do I change who I am so completely to start loving these amazing people who are such a part of me?

I wish I knew, but until I figure it out I keep asking for God's strength and help to become a better daughter and sister today. Hopefully soon I will become a woman they can be proud of. Until then, I am afraid I am just another disappointment and issue that tears my family apart rather than mends back together the broken pieces. I'm just not strong enough yet to fix the problems I have caused... and that fact breaks my heart...

I Want to be a Rock Star (or at least enjoy the concert)

They say, you learn something new every day. I learned something new recently that actually surprised me.

Somehow I allowed myself to be talked into going to a rock band concert on New Year's Eve. I convinced myself that it could be fun - I had no idea what to expect.

When I returned to my friend's house afterwards I described the experience this way: "I've had nightmares that weren't that bad." I was cold, alone (my friend stood up front the whole night, while I stayed in my seat), the floor was covered in beer and a good chunk of the people there were drunk, and I was sitting right by the speakers, so it was incredibly loud. The music itself wasn't too bad even though I knew none of the songs and certain forms of a specific f-word were repeated a good number of times. I could go on listing all the ways I hated my evening, but today as I was talking with another friend I realized that I actually would have enjoyed myself a lot except for one thing...

I was alone the whole evening.

I don't blame my friend for wanting to be front and center where she could reach out and touch the singers. I just wish she would have come and spent a few minutes with me between acts.

As I reminisced over the whole night I found that the drunk guys talking to me, the beer on the floor I was stepping in and even the plaster falling on me from a ceiling not accustomed to such heavy base vibrations were not that bad. And this is a huge epiphany for someone as sheltered as me. I have never been to any concert before that wasn't a Christian band. I never went to any party before where everyone was drinking alcohol. I have to admit though that my vocabulary has often enough contained less-than-savory words.

In spite of all the things I wanted to complain about, really, it was a great experience. I did have fun, though not as much as I had hoped for.

My mind wandered to what would Jesus think of me being there and once again He brought to my attention all the places He Himself was found. He would eat with "sinners": drunks and prostitutes among others. They were not 'recovering' alcoholics or former prostitutes, they were still in that life. Jesus wanted to be around them, in their houses. If Jesus lived today, I think He would have jumped at the chance to go that concert with me! He loved the "rough" atmosphere. He would probably frequent bars on a regular basis. He loved being around people who were real.

I'm not saying that if you don't listen to rock music and drink excessive amounts of alcohol you are not real, but a lot of Christians I know hide from those things because of fear or pride or just plain repulsion, even at times when they are angry and should listen to "angry" music or when they are overwhelmed by life's trials and just want a drink.

I don't know - it's hard to explain beyond that, but if Jesus wanted to be around drunks and skinheads then the least I can do is go to a rock concert now and again. Hopefully next time I won't be alone because I will be up front taking pictures with my friend and catching the broken drumsticks that are flung into the crowd...

Perspective (aka "God's Tears")

As I re-read my blog from yesterday I realized I left out one major and important thought in all my ravings. As I dealt with all the various forms of rejection in my life I began to wonder how God could possibly know how I felt. The Bible says Jesus endured all the same temptations that all people suffer, but this isn't exactly temptation. Then I realized that God has had to face more rejection than I could ever experience.

He loves people far more than I ever can because His heart is pure and He created us because He wanted to share that love. He wants to know people through relationships with them, and He even went to the extreme of letting His Son die as the punishment for a judgment measured out on all humans, me included. To die for us... what greater love?

And He asks us to return that love and be in a relationship with Him. Yet, a great chunk of humanity has rejected that offer. So many people misunderstand who God is and reject His offers of eternal love and guidance. And even though I don't know whether or not God actually cries, I think He does. He reaches out to us and we turn up our noses to His offer thinking we have something better already, and as we turn to walk away tears begin to slide down His face - over each person.

And then, for those of us who do accept His offer of relationship, there are still times when He asks us to do something and we get all defiant and do things our own way. (It is funny how we think we can ask God for anything, but never have Him ask us anything in return... aren't relationships give and take?) He has to suffer through those rejections as well. Sounds an awful lot like being rejected by family...

So, I decided that being rejected by family or friends or whomever isn't as bad as what God has to face. And He just keeps on loving people, without conditions or strings attached. He craves our presence. So crazy how easily we ignore it.

Crazy how I think I have it bad when a few people reject me.

Crazy how much God loves me and accepts me no matter how much I screw up or complain.

Crazy how when I see rejection in this light, my pain doesn't really mean anything anymore...

Forgive me, God, for not understanding. Forgive me for complaining. Please heal my hurts - however insignificant they now seem. Thank you for accepting me and loving me. I love you too.